Yes, these are indeed the most F asked Qs of us at Videoport, all gathered in one convenient place! Come get your Qs A-ed!
Q. Is it true that Videoport doesn’t exist any more and that all these deals we’re going to ask you about are gone because people abandoned you?
A. Yes. Yes, that’s true.
Q. Is it really true I get a free movie every day at Videoport?
A. Yep. Here’s how:
Monday: Rent 1, get a free rental from the Middle Aisle.
Tuesday: Rent 1, get a free rental from the Action or Classics sections.
Wednesday: Rent, 1, get a free rental from the Comedy of Foreign sections.
Thursday: Rent 1, get a free rental from Anywhere!!!!
Friday: 1 free rental from the Kids section, no other rental necessary.
Saturday & Sunday: Rent 2, get a free rental from Anywhere!!!
Q. That’s pretty good—any other ways we can pay you less money?
A. Sure, we hate money. The Videoport Payment Deals will give you free money any time you want.
A. That’s not a question, but no, it’s true. Here’s the deal(s):
$20 buys you $25 in rental credit.
$30 buys you $40 in rental credit.
A. What can we say—we hate money.
Q. Why should we buy movies from you instead of getting them cheaper on some hideous corporate website?
A. Whoa—sounds like you’re already pretty conflicted about your purchase. Well, since you ask, here’s our pitch:
1. Like you said, buying local is better for your community, and us, than going on Amazon.
2. The prices aren’t that different.
3. We give you a free rental with every movie you buy. Which means that you can knock the price of a rental $3.50 off of the purchase price. Plus, you get a free rental. Just for buying yourself a movie.
4. We don’t charge shipping. Or that “handling” nonsense.
Q. How many directions do your turnstiles move in?
A. Ours, and all turnstiles, by design, since time immemorial, only turn in one direction. By design. Seriously.
Q. When can I park in the parking lot out back?
A. After 5PM on weekdays, and all weekend.
Q. Any alternatives if I can’t get in there?
A. Yup—park in any downtown garage (including the courthouse garage 2 minutes away) and we’ll get you a free hour. And remember that parking meters are inert after 6PM.
Q. I can touch the shiny side of one of your DVDs, right? Like with my hands?
A. You’re screwing with us right now, right?
Q. I totally was. But could you give us a rundown on why people shouldn’t mess up your DVDs?
A. Whew—thought we were gonna have a situation here. Okay, here’s the thing. You never touch the shiny side of a DVD (or blu ray). You never leave a DVD out of its case when you’re not playing it. You never let kids (or irresponsible, terrible people) handle our DVDs.
A. Seriously? [sigh] Okay—Videoport is a small, independent store. Our movies are our business, and our babies. No one who works at Videoport has ever put a fingerprint, scratch, scrape, or blob of grape jelly on one of our DVDs. And yet we have to undo the damage done to them a dispiriting number of times every single, freaking day. How did that damage get there? Um…sorry, but that’s on you guys.
Q. What can I, as a well-meaning Videoport customer do to take care of your precious movies?
A. Glad you asked. Never touch the shiny side. Like never. Like, never, ever, not ever touch it. Never leave it out of the case. If you have kids—congrats! They are the future. Don’t let them touch our movies. Kids are gross and they have no motor skills. If you hang out with irresponsible people? Sure, they’re probably great in bed, but you handle the DVDs and save us all some trouble.
Q. What’s the Criterion Collection and why does it get its own section?
A. It’s a company that buys the rights to movies they think are worth super-deluxe DVD treatment. They have great taste. People started asking for the new Criterion stuff, so we gave it its own section.
Q. Yeah, but what’s in there? It seems like a jumble of stuff to me…
A. It is, but it’s a great jumble. The CC picks from classics, foreign stuff, foreign classics, experimental weirdness, new directors or films they deem worthy—I’s say you could literally close your eyes and pick a movie from there and your life would be better and more interesting.
A. They’re just weird food. Try no to think about it…
Q. Why are you guys still standing while virtually all the chain stores are gone?
A. Well, first—they shouldn’t have messed with us. Second—we were hardly in the same business in the first place. Chain stores were all about volume on the handful of newest Hollywood releases and nothing else. They brought in a hundred, turned ‘em over, and then did it all the next week. Videoport, by contrast has always been about providing people who care about movies with the broadest possible choice of films, from the newest-latest to the obscurest-greatest. We’re building a collection deliberately calibrated to satisfy everyone’s movie desires, no matter what mood they’re in or what kind of movies they like.
Q. Is that it?
A. Nope. We’re also knowledgeable, hard-working, and smart as hell. Also modest.
Q. I like your store. How can I help Videoport keep doing well?
A. Rent movies. Buy movies. Tell your friends. Bring a friend. Set fire to a Redbox machine*.
*Do not set fire to a Redbox machine. Just rent at Videoport instead—from the Videoport legal department.
Q. Why don’t you have that movie that I want?
A. Geez, calm down. We can’t have everything, but ask us first—we might have it somewhere you didn’t think of. If we don’t, and it’s in print, we’ll let Videoport’s BIG BOSS know (that’s what the purple notebook by the computer is for) and, the next time he’s feeling spendy, he might get it for us. Just ask. Unless it’s for that Honey Boo Boo thing—you’re on your own there…
Q. What’s the VideoReport?
A. Well, you’re reading it right now, so that’s a weird question, but the VideoReport has been Videoport’s weekly newsletter for the last eight years. We writer reviews, print reviews from Videoport customers and staff, tell you about the week’s new releases, and tell stupid jokes. Often involving farts.
Q. Why do the people who work at Videoport know so much about movies?
A. Videoport only hires people like that. Also, since they’re around movies all day, every day, they’re gonna pick up a few things. Also, they have no lives and just watch movies all day, every day. Reap the benefits from their loneliness!
Q. I, um, owe you guys money. Should I be a-sceered to come back in?
A. We love you. Read this and come on back in.
Q. Any other reasons I should rent at Videoport?
A. So, so many. Here are a couple dozen more.
Q. What’s the worst movie in the store?
A. Impossible to say. But we’d wager Steven Seagal is involved somehow.
Q. What’s the most f***ed up movie in the store?
A. Again—it’s a matter of taste. We’d suggest treading carefully in the Incredibly Strange or Assorted Asian Exploitation sections. At least one of us still has nightmares about the Martin Short comedy Clifford, though…