Okay, we all know that there are lots of ways to rent movies out there. Well, not really anymore, since one enormous, soulless, conglomerate-y way effectively drove most other ways to rent movies out of business, but you get the general idea. Anyway, we here at Videoport realize that we’re only one of the ways you can get your entertainment, albeit the best, most complete, and integrity-filled one. And while that one (horrible, oft-sued) other option has recently raised its prices (due to poor business planning and a rampant disregard for its customers’ well-being) to an unconscionable degree, maybe some of you out there could use a nudge out of that (buggy, delay-filled) nest. So strap yourselves in, and then, you know, drive yourself to Videoport (you were strapping yourself in to your car there…):
1. Prices. (Sorry, but I’m gonna whip some math on you here.) All rentals at Videoport are $3.50 (except for kids movies which are just a buck because we love kids and are so nice.) Not too shabby. But, you say, “Aren’t those prices more than that crappy selection of damaged DVDs I can get from a vending machine at the supermarket like gumballs?”, and yeah, that’s right (and we forgive you.) But, and here comes the math, Videoport has a free rental special every day which cut the price, a lot. On Monday-Thursday, there’s a 2-for-1 special which’ll get you (not to get too complicated this soon) two movies for the price of one, which cuts the price of each rental to $1.75. And, on the weekends, you rent two movies and get 1 free, which makes each rental $2.33. (On Friday, you just get a free kids movie, again, because of us loving kids and stuff.) Again, shabby, not too. But, (and here comes more math, apologies), when you take advantage of the Videoport Savings Plans, the prices
spin downward into the “clerk starvation” zone. See, if you put $20 on your rental account, we give you $25 in rental credit (a 20% discount), and if you put down $30, you get $40 in credit (a 25% discount.) Yow. So, breaking out the calculator, that makes a single $3.50 rental either $2.80 (with the 20% discount) or $2.63 (with the 25%-er). But why rent only one movie when you can get at least one free movie every day? So, on a 2-for-1 day, that makes each rental $1.40 or $1.31 each, and, on a rent 2, get 1 free day, either $1.86 or $1.74 each. And there’s even a better deal…but I think we all need a break from the math for a second, so here’s a picture of Bruce Campbell as Elvis to restore your state of cool…
2. Even more prices. Okay, more math. But it saves you money, so we’re okay. Say you want to take advantage of the super, insanely-economical new weekly special, which gets you three movies for seven days for $7.99. That makes you smart. And makes us even less money. That’s $2.66 per movie to get them for a week. Or, if you want to make us seem even more generous, you can look at it like 38 cents per movie per day. Don’t worry, I checked it with a calculator just to determine how awesome a deal that was. It came out “pretty awesome.”
3. Even more even more prices. You can buy movies from Videoport. “But,” you might say (and, again, we forgive you,) “I could order that movie from some huge internet corporation which will get it for me cheaper. Plus, I enjoy undermining local businesses!” Well, we can’t help you with that last part, but Videoport, while unable to provide the kind of retail discounts on movies due to the fact that we are not a huge, mega-conglomerate dedicated to driving local businesses under, offsets that with the fact that, for every movie you buy from us, we give you a free rental. One might (and probably should) look at that as $3.50 off of the price of the movie you’re buying. Plus, we don’t charge any shipping (or that mythical ‘handling’ nonsense.)
4. We make it easy to come back. Maybe you lost a movie that one time. Or your shiftless roommate did. Or a dog ate it. Whichever it was, you probably think that you owe Videoport a jillion dollars and that we’re gonna yell at you, make fun of you, and make you feel all bad and stuff. Well, neither of those things is true, of course. For one thing, the most we’re ever going to charge you for any movie is twenty bucks; we stop the meter there as, essentially, that’s what it’s gonna cost us to replace it. And, as for the idea that we’re gonna mock and belittle you- well, that’s just bananas. We want you to rent with us at Videoport. We’re gonna welcome you back, give you a new Videoport card, and turn you loose back here in the store, amongst our unparalleled selection of the best, damned movies of the world. Remember: we want you to rent here.
5. Videoport is the best movie store in the world. I didn’t want to have to come right out and say it, but it’s true. For 25 years now, Videoport’s been dedicated to collecting the best movies the world has ever seen, to hiring only knowledgeable movie geeks (who are also expertly trained, helpful, and pretty funny), and to maintaining its integrity in the face of all challengers. Now Movie Gallery is , Hollywood Video is , Blockbuster is on its last, tottering, formica-clad legs, and we’re still here, and still doing things the way we always have, the right way. Sure, there are challenges (in the form of an unethical internet company and some crappy vending machines), but there have always been challenges. And Videoport is still here. With your help, we always will be.