VideoReport #496

Volume CDXCVI- The Rent All The Movies At Videoport And Then Don’t Go Out Again Until Spring Gang: The Movie

For the Week of 2/17/15

Videoport gives you a free movie every, single day! Every, single, mercilessly-snowing day!

Middle Aisle Monday! Take a free rental from the Science Fiction, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Popular Music, Mystery/Thriller, Animation, or Staff Picks sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for $7.99!

outland-01>>> Former Videoporter Christian suggests Outland (in Sci-Fi/Fantasy). Yes, it’s “High Noon” in space. Yes, it has James Bond holding a shotgun on the cover. But did you know it opens with Cliff Claven’s head exploding? Or that the badguy is best known for his role in a Mel Brooks comedy? I love this film as a sort of unintentional prequel to ALIEN. It shares some production DNA as a number of designers worked on both films. It also shares the working-class-in-space “used future” aesthetic that ALIEN pioneered in ’79. Outland‘s legacy continues to be felt. Look for references in unlikely places like Terminator 2 and the recent video game Alien: Isolation, while the film’s iconic space suits pop up in everything from Aliens to the opening credits of Red Dwarf.

*Editor’s note: Thanks, Christian! And, if I may, seeing all these former Videoporters still involved with Videoport years after they stopped working here is part of what makes Videoport special. You should be like Christian even if you never worked here—send in your reviews to us at denmn@hotmail.com or our Facebook page “Videoport Jones.” Also, check out Christian’s cool moviemaking skills in Videoport’s horror section (Nyarlathotep, Dunwich, and in the H.P. Lovecraft Collection!)

Tough and Triassic Tuesday! Give yourself a free rental from the Action or Classics section with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for $7.99!                                                            >>> Dennis suggests Gaslight (in Classics.) Poor Ingrid Bergman’s never had a harder time than in this 1944 thriller about a waifish young bride being driven mad by scheming husband Charles Boyer. I mean, sure, she got burned at the stake in Joan Of Arc, but at least then she had armor to protect her. She’s almost painfully delicate here, her innocent bride finding things moving, things disappearing, and those gaslamps in her new home mysteriously dimming at odd intervals. Boyer makes a truly slimy villain, his purring, supercilious accent worming its way into poor Ingrid’s mind with every seemingly reasonable reassurance. (The way he keeps saying her name—Paula—in a patronizing way is truly memorable. Throw in ol’ Joseph Cotton as the nice copper who tries to decide if Paula’s actually losing her mind, and you’ve got a great, oft-forgotten classic thriller. Oh, and look for an 18-year-old Angela Lansbury as a saucy Cockney maid.

Wacky and Worldly Wednesday! You’ve got a free rental coming from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for $7.99!  

>>> Videoporter Sam, perhaps taking stock of John Cusack’s recent action titles you haven’t heard of (evidence: The Factory, The Contract, Drive Hard, The Prince, The Numbers Station, Reclaim, The Bag Man), innocently posted the following on Facebook: From 1985-2010 there was never even one hint that Steven Segal and John Cusack could ever have such similar careers. Ouch for Big John. But the Internet, being the Internet, decided to revive the old VideoReport game “Premise!” You’ll get the idea:

Better Off Marked For Death

Say Anything, Motherf***er! Say it!

Beating John Malkovich

Eight Men Out Cold

Eight Men Out For Justice

One Crazy Bummer

Hard To Watch

M-16 Candles

The Journey Of Fatty Man

Must Shoot Dogs

Blood Roberts

The Raven And The Fat Man

Hot Tubby Time Machine Gun

High Fatality

Runaway Career

Serenkickity

Midnight In The Olive Garden Of Good And Evil

1408 (Dollars at the Box Office)

2012 (Dollars at the Box Office)

Tape Hands

Money For Sucking

Map Of The Human Pressure Points

Say Anything About My Hair Plugs And I’ll Kick Your Chin

Thrifty Thursday! Rent one, get a free rental from any other section in the store! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for $7.99!                                        

>>> Videoport customer Ryan M. suggests Walker (in the Criterion Collection.) William Walker. The man who, along with 60 other men, invaded Nicaragua during the 1850’s and elected himself as its president. Ed Harris in the title role, six million MV5BMTMzMTc3OTczMl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMTIyMjU1MQ@@._V1_SY317_CR5,0,214,317_AL_dollar budget. Sounds like a pretty standard historical biopic, yes? It might be worth mentioning that Alex Cox is at the helm. Yes, the Alex Cox; that being, the guy responsible for Sid & Nancy as well as the wonderfully whacked-out Repo Man. It’s both delightful and tragic that anyone within Hollywood domain trusted Cox to deliver an accessible commercial offering with that kind of money, and predictably, he made about the farthest thing from a conventional biopic as you can get. Along with the similarly strange Western satire Straight to Hell, this was the one that severed just about all ties Cox had with any of the major studios. While this didn’t stop him from churning out a couple independent features throughout the following years, one thing is for sure, and that is that Cox will never make something of this caliber again. And maybe that’s why Walker is so special, for all its imperfections big and small. It’s about as messy and campy as can be and filled with intentional anachronisms (coke bottles, Time Magazine, zippo lighters! In the 1800’s!) that could be enough to throw off even the most jaded viewer. It is a modestly budgeted oddity, the likes of which is considerably rare, but not one that is deserving of the amount of scorn that it got during the time of its release. The anachronisms, for example, are not merely showy but are used as a device to draw some thought-provoking parallels between history and modern times. And then there’s Harris, who is in top form here, portraying a real-life madman with a penchant for the hysteric. In spite of appearances, it is a complex performance. As a criticism of manifest destiny, an endearingly excessive portrait of a destructive psyche, and even just a damn solid midnight movie, Walker excels. You can find historical accuracy, such as it is, in just about any other film. That Cox couldn’t care less about it speaks to his distinctively anarchistic spirit at the time. Consider this a historical film for movie buffs rather than a historical film for history buffs. Irreverent as that may seem, it’s all a part of the charm.

Free Kids Friday! One free rental from the Kids section, no other rental necessary! OR get any three non-new releases for a week for $7.99!          

>>> It’s a free kids movie! There are a lot to choose from! For free!                                                                                

Having a Wild Weekend! Rent two movies, and get a third one for free from any section! OR get any three non-new releases for a week for $7.99!                                            

>>> For Saturday, Dennis suggests V/H/S 2 (in Horror). First, if “found footage” horror isn’t your thing (i.e.: if you like to whine about how shaky cameras make you all dizzy), then sit this one out. For the rest of us, then this sequel to the original handheld horror anthology is even better than the quite-solid first one. The wraparound segment (a private eye and his gal Friday find some creepy tapes in an abandoned house) is boilerplate, but the short films themselves are good, with one foray into greatness. There’s the guy with the implanted artificial eye that lets him see ghosts (eh), the zombie apocalypse seen through a bicyclist’s helmet GoPro camera (gross and sort of funny), the slumber party invaded by…somethings (super well-shot), and then there’s…the other one. Whoa,,,the other one. Called “Safe Haven,” it follows a documentary crew as they interview the leader of an isolated cult. Whoa. No one should spoil movies under pain of never being allowed to watch movies again, so I’ll just say that the film follows a logical progression which nonetheless draws deeper and deeper into something like nightmare, like madness. Gory and terrifying. Whoa.

HBO_Ew_S4_Teaser_Poster_Crow

Maybe you’ve heard of it?

>>>For Sunday, Dennis suggests getting some free money at Videoport! You guys know about this, right? No? Well, it’s such a good deal that, well, you should do it. If you like free money, that is. Listen up: If you put $20 down on your Videoport birdman-iconic-posteraccount, you get $25 dollars worth of rental credit. And, even better, if you put $30 down, you get a whopping $40 worth of rental credit. It’s free money, it just sits on your account until you use it up (and, presumably, buy some more), and it’s good for all rentals and any pesky extra day rentals you rack up. Seriously, people—why wouldn’t you do this? I’m genuinely asking.

New Releases this week at Videoport: Game Of Thrones- season 4 (Hey—have you guys ever heard of this show? Some sort of fantasy, sword-and-sorcery deal? With, what, dragons and stuff, I guess? Huh—some people like that sort of thing, I suppose…), Birdman (Or: The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance) (Oscar-nominated up 600full-to-the-ends-of-the-earth-posterthe wazoo, this one-take-looking, artsy character study about a former superhero movie star attempting to make a comeback on Broadway is Michael Keaton’s big comeback itself. From cool director Alejandro 2014-11-11-movieposterGonzalez Inarritu [Babel, Biutiful, Amores Perros]), To The Ends Of The Earth (You guys also love that British dude, what’s his name Bumbldy Bomberbatch? Oh, Benedict Cumberbath, right. Well here’s a big, epic British miniseries about a young aristocrat who sails to Australia in the 1800s and finds adventures and tribulations he’d never dreamed of. Also starring Jared Harris, Sam Neill, and some other people with non-silly names), dumb-and-dumber-to-bannerThe Theory Of Everything (Eddie Redmayne stars [and gets an Oscar nomination for his troubles] as Professor Stephen Hawking in this biopic about the famous scientist’s youth, romance with his future wife, and first troublesThe-World-Made-Straight-605x360 with ALS, the disease that’s rendered him immobile [but for his mind] for decades), Dumb And Dumber To (Jim Carrey an Jeff Daniels TermsConditionsMayApplyimprobably returned for this 20 years-later sequel to that movie where they acted like idiots and it was sorta funny 20 years ago. Will it work its marginal magic again? Are fart noises still hilarious? Rent it and see), The World Made Straight (Noah Wylie stars in this gritty backwoods thriller about a young man Heropage-980x560_19trying to escape his seemingly inescapable violent destiny in an isolated Appalachian community), Terms And Conditions May Apply (You know that innocuous-looking ”I Agree” button you unthinkingly click every time you use a website, or an app, or essentially anything online? Well—shocker—it turns out that the corporations that make you click those in order to use their shiny products hide a lot of pretty evil stuff in there. This documentary would like you to be angrier about that than you Life-Itself-Poster-goldposter-com-1apparently are.), Skating To New York (Coming-of-age story about a quintet of Canadian would-be-hockey stars who decide to skate their way across Lake The-Interview-PosterOntario to New York on the coldest day of the year in their quest to make it in the NHL), Life Itself (Moving, life-affirming documentary about the late, great film critic Roger Ebert, whose love of movies was perhaps a close second to his enthusiasm for, well, life itself), The Interview (Seth Rogen and James Franco almost made the world blow up or something when this typically rude and silly comedy about a pair of celebrity journalists recruited by the CIA to assassinate real-world North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. Barely released in fraidy-cat theaters, Videoport, of course, will have it for you), The Homesman (Written and directed by Tommy Lee 7439_poster_iphoneJones, this appropriately grimy Western sees Jones as a, yes, grimy cowboy recruited by hard-bitten pioneer woman Hilary Swank to help her escort a trio of women driven mad by how awful pioneer life was), Doctor Who: Last Christmas (Peter Capaldi’s Doctor gets his first Chrstmas special, reuniting 240375-doctor-who-last-christmas-0-230-0-341-cropwith companion Clara to save the world with the help of—Santa Claus? Nick Frost [Shaun Of The Dead, The world’s End, Hot Fuzz] stars as Father Christmas—or is he?—in this completely delightful adventure. Capaldi’s first year was a little up-and-down [it wasn’t the great Capaldi’s fault], but this one’s outstandingly fun), Dying Of The Light (Nicholas Cage stars in this thriller about a dying CIA operative who tries to complete one last mission with the help of the Soviet agent who once tortured him all those years ago), St. Vincent (Bill Murray brings his crusty late-career awesomeness to this darkly MV5BMTgxNTU4NTYyM15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNTUwODAwMzE@._V1_SX640_SY720_heartwarming comedy about a misanthropic loner who very reluctantly allows single mom Melissa McCarthy and her lonely son into his life. Anything with Bill Murray’s worth watching—but you knew that), The Tale Of Princess Kaguya St-Vincent-movie-poster(You want to see everything from Studio Ghibli [home of legendary Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki—My Neighbor Totoro, The Wind Rises] brings out this typically gorgeous animated tale of a tiny girl found inside a stalk of bamboo and the adventures she encounters as she grows)

 

New Arrivals This Week At Videoport: Gaslight (In this classic 1944 thriller, newly-married Ingrid Bergman starts thinking her new husband Chales Boyer is trying to drive her mad. James Cotton’s avuncular detective tries to help out_but is he too late? By the way, this one’s totally out of print. How did Videoport get one? kaguya-620x350Don’t worry your pretty little head about it)

New Releases on Blu Ray this week at Videoport: The Interview

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Published in: on February 16, 2015 at 9:50 pm  Leave a Comment  
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VideoReport #394

Volume CCCXCIV- Star Wars: Episode 7- Again With the Jedi…

For the Week of 3/5/13

Videoport gives you a free movie every day. What’s the catch? Well, I suppose you have to pick one out…

Middle Aisle Monday! Take a free rental from the Science Fiction, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Mystery/Thriller, Animation, or Staff Picks sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>> Dennis suggests taking a dip into the Incredibly Strangest movies in the Incredibly Strange section (if you dare!!!) I hear you out there. Strolling by the Incredibly Strange section, your eye catches some of the more mainstream titles contained therein and you scoff to your friends, “Pffft- The Mexican? That’s not incredibly strange…” And then your wander off to rent something with Gerard Butler in it. Okay, first- don’t rent that Gerard Butler movie. That’s just good advice across the board. Second- your eye only went to The Mexican because your brain was trying to protect you from the endless, dazzling array of perversity, violence, perverted violence, and all-out bug-nuts insanity that is the true soul of Videoport’s Incredibly Strange section. Well, here are some facets of that inky, titillating soul deep in the heart of Videoport. You know you want in…

The films of Alejandro Jodorowsky. Make a note of these titles: The Holy Mountain, Fando and Lis, La Cravate, Santa Sangre, and El Topo. For 40 years, Jodorowsky’s been plying his particular brand of hyper-symbolic, trippy myth-making and, in case that sounds dull, he does this through a combination of ultra-violence, twisted sex and nekkidness, and inexplicable, non-stop scenes of unparalleled loopiness.

The Extra Weird Something Weird Video Sampler. Sure, we’ve got some releases from Something Weird Video scattered through the ISS, but this mind-boggling trailer collection from the company legendary for digging through cinema’s trash bins for the most disreputable sleaze of all time. Of course, those films were in the trash heap for pretty good reasons, by and large, so this sampler is the perfect way to experience the best (meaning worst, creepiest, nudiest, sleaziest) bits of their extensive catalog without, you know, having to watch the entire movies.

The American Astronaut. Unclassifiable b&w sci fi musical made for about ten dollars and more inventive and fascinating than science fiction movies with fifty times its budget.

Kissed. The most touching necrophiliac love story you’ll ever see. (Starring Deadwood’s game-for-anything Molly Parker.)

Nekromantik. The most disgusting necrophiliac love story you’ll ever see.

Even Dwarfs Started Small. The first film from now-revered (still-bananas) German filmmaker Werner Herzog, this one’s got an all-little person cast as lunatics taking over their isolated institution. A monkey might get crucified.

A selection of Turkish Hollywood knockoffs. Since Turkey doesn’t recognize copyright law, and is apparently populated by nothing but lunatic filmmakers, check out their utterly insane versions of Star Wars, Star Trek and The Exorcist. Any resemblance to the originals is coincidental- and cranked up to eleven on the crazy meter.

Tough and Triassic Tuesday! Give yourself a free rental from the Action or Classics section with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>>Emily S. Customer suggests a character actor film fest! This week- Royal Dano! If you grew up watching old syndicated black-and-white shows, you remember this actor’s face, but probably not his name. He appeared on dozens of shows, never landing a plum recurring character, but often returning over and over. It’s a bit perplexing that casting directors chose to cast and recast this memorable actor with the sonorous, melancholy voice and broad, craggy face; I can only imagine it’s a testament to his curious appeal winning them over, over and over. (And over. AND OVER.) It makes sense on anthology shows like “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” and “Night Gallery,” but I always wonder what convinces casting directors to re-use such a distinctive actor in shows with long-arc character continuity. It happened to Dano again and again, especially in westerns: Royal Dano played four different characters on “Rawhide,” four on “The Rifleman,” four on “The Virginian,” three on “Bonanza,” four on “The Big Valley,” and a whopping eleven different roles in thirteen episodes of “Gunsmoke.”) You may remember him from his role as Tom Fury, the somber-faced lightning-rod salesman from Something Wicked This Way Comes, who laments “Some folks draw lightning to them as a cat sucks in a baby’s breath.” Or as the suspicious (with good reason!) sheriff in The Trouble with Harry, who gets paid by the arrest, or as gloomy seaman Elijah in John Huston’s Moby Dick, who warns Ishmael “At sea one day, you’ll smell land where there’ll be no land, and on that day Ahab will go to his grave, but he’ll rise again within the hour.” Or perhaps you remember Judge Sternwood on “Twin Peaks” (S2 ep4, S2 ep5), who assures newly-met FBI Special Agent Cooper “Let me say that when these frail shadows we inhabit now have quit the stage, we’ll meet and raise a glass again, together, in Valhalla.”

Wacky and Worldly Wednesday! You’ve got a free rental coming from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>>Dennis suggests ‘Bob’s Burgers’ (in Comedy.) Jon Benjamin is the funniest guy you don’t know, or at least the one you don’t know on sight. Although Benjamin will pop up from time to time in the flesh (Parks and Recreation, The Comedians of Comedy, Human Giant) and had his own sketch show ‘Jon Benjamin Has a Van’ (sadly not on DVD yet), you’ll mostly recognize his disembodied voice. At least if you like outstanding animated comedy. He was the title character’s well-meaning but hilariously aimless son Ben on ‘Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist,’ and played two of the best animated characters in TV history (Jason and Coach McGuirk) on the truly charming and hilarious ‘Home Movies.’ He’s also competing with himself for best voice actor on television right now, starring in both ‘Archer’ (as the peerlessly douche-y secret agent Sterling Archer) and ‘Bob’s Burgers’ where he’s the titular regular schmo, a put-upon family man and restauranteur trying to keep his greasy spoon burger joint afloat amidst some inventively funny weirdness. It took me a little while to get into ‘Bob’s Burgers’ (while I took to ‘Archer’’s improv-y, one-liner-y spy spoof pretty much immediately.) Maybe it was that two of the female characters (Bob’s wife and oddball eldest daughter) were voiced by dude’s and seemed a little mean-spirited in their offputting whininess. But, revisiting the show recently, I’ve really warmed to the show. Of course Benjamin is money as always, but it’s the gradual development of the other characters and the show’s genuinely weird little world that eventually won me over. There’s Bob who, in Benjamin’s hands, comes to embody the underdog everyman like few characters I can remember; he loves his weird family, and takes endearing pride in his cruddy little diner, coming up with inventive ‘burger of the day’ specials on the chalkboard. Too bad for Bob that the world seems to conspire against him at every turn, as his eccentric seaside town (and his own family) continually thwart his attempts to make any headway. (You know, like the time a rumor started that his burgers contained human flesh, or the time his sister in law insisted on having an art show in the restaurant featuring her newest artistic obsession- animal anuses. Sometimes his son just befriends a stolen talking toilet in the woods. You know- regular stuff like that.) Through it all, Bob, exhibiting the signature Jon Benjamin snarkiness, like The Dude, abides. For all its wackiness, the show is gentler at heart than is ‘Archer’- it’s a great family comedy and workplace comedy and a showcase for one of the best voice actors of all time, and he’s supported by two brilliant standup comedians doing uniquely bananas work. As his ever-bunny-eared youngest daughter, you’ve got Kristen Schaal, bringing her traditional batsh*t insane energy to Louise, whose mind seems to be operating on “maximum chaos” setting. And Eugene Mirman plays middle child Gene , an overweight, clumsy outsider who, nonetheless, nearly matches his sister’s capacity for unpredictably-enthusiastic nonsense. Sure, I still question why mom Linda (John Roberts) and eldest Tina (Dan Mintz) are voiced, oddly, by dudes, but as the show’s progressed, the Belcher family has drawn some surprisingly well-drawn, even poignant, characters and storylines. Whether you know it or not, people- you’re living in the Jon Benjamin golden age of animation. Get on board…

Thrifty Thursday! Rent one, get a free rental from any other section in the store! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>>Emily S. Customer re-introduces America’s favorite movie game- Premise! This week: Jean-Claude Van Damme is a romantic comedy lead pushed too far in…

Must Love Cyborgs

While You Were Streetfighting

Heart Target

The Forty Year Old Belgian

The Timecop Around the Corner

Bringing Up Belgy

The Philabelgia Story

Serenkickidy

Prelude to a Kick

Sleeperhold in Seattle

Knocked Out

P.S. – I Kick You

and

Walloonstruck

Free Kids Friday! One free rental from the Kids section, no other rental necessary!

>>>It’s a free movie. For kids! What- you hate kids?

Having a Wild Weekend! Rent two movies, and get a third one for free from any section!

>>>For Saturday, Dennis suggests Girls (in Comedy) and Enlightened (in Drama.) Both HBO shows. Both mixing comedy and drama in cringe-worthy proportions. Both starring, and created by strong female leads. Laura Dern co-created Enlightened with Mike White, while Lena Dunham created, writes and stars in Girls.) Both are in my top ten of shows on TV right now (I’d give Enlightened the slight edge.)

>>>For Sunday, Nancy Rat Attack suggest The African Queen (in Classics.) If you jumped back to 1992 and are also stuck with your VHS player as your sole form of entertainment for the next few months, might I recommend The African Queen? It lives up to the hype tenfold. A romantic adventure and adventurous romance, it works so magically because of the chemistry, warmth and kindness the two leads, Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart, bring to their parts. It’s also nice to see a romantic comedy where it’s not wacky hijinks or misunderstanding that bring the two together, but the actual peril of oh, say, alligators and dehydration. This is a lovely movie, folks.

New Releases this week at Videoport: Wreck-It Ralph (John C. Reilly lends his considerable vocal talents to this Oscar-nominated animated flick about the titular video game bad guy who decides he just doesn’t want to keep throwing barrels at a plumber [or whatever the in-movie equivalent is] and breaks out of his game; costarring the voices of cool people like Alan Tudyk, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer, Jane Lynch, Joe

Everybody wants this one.

Everybody wants this one.

LoTruglio, Dennis Haysbert, and on and on…), The Intouchables (no foreign film in recent memory has been more asked about by the ever-cool Videoport faithful than this heartwarming French drama about a paralyzed aristocrat and the inner city guy he hires as his new caretaker; we went big on this one, people- so go ahead and rent it a lot, ‘kay?), Red Dawn (Wolveriiiiines! Yeah- they remade this 80’s paranoid, lunkheaded bit of Russkie-bashing, except now it’s PG-13, and it’s not Russia, or China [because they were apparently afraid of offending our economic overlords], but some nondescript non-white people wantonly invading the good ol’

Ew.

Ew.

USA and being opposed by a high school football team), Playing for Keeps (Gerard Butler plays a broke, washed up soccer player whose efforts to coach his kid’s soccer team lead to every soccer mom in central casting trying to rub up all over his rugged, Scottish mediocrity; on a related note- Gerard Butler? Really?), The Bay (director Barry Levinson leaves behind his full-time job of telling quirky little tales of growing up in Baltimore for this disturbing horror film about people in Baltimore going swimming and getting infected by a terrifyingly icky new parasite monster), Interview With a Hitman (an Eastern European hitman heads home to try and erase any trace of his past- guess how that goes?), Gun Hill Road (Esai Morales plays an ex-con who leaves prison and tries to deal with his relationship with his estranged wife [Scrubs’ Judy Reyes] and son, who has his own issues to deal with), California Solo (when an aging, over-the-hill Brit rocker [the ever-interesting Robert Carlyle] gets popped for a DUI, he faces possible deportation and the long-buried conflicts of his aimless life in this indie drama), ‘Hit and Miss’- season 1 (the phrase “high concept” may have been invented for this crime series about a hitwoman with a secret- she’s a transgender woman who finds out she fathered a son in her penis-y days, and has to deal with him, and her daily work of, you know, killing guys and stuff; starring Chloe Sevigny), Strings (thriller about a grieving musician who realizes that his therapist is using his patients to commit crimes; that seems mildly unethical…), The Colors of the Mountain (a young boy’s dream of becoming a soccer star are imperiled [along with his life] when his only ball ends up in a Colombian minefield)

New Arrivals at Videoport this week: A Town Like Alice (Virginia McKenna and Peter Finch star in this harrowing true story of female prisoners of war captured by the Japanese in WWII), An American Girl: McKenna Shoots for the Stars (another movie based on a book based on a line of dolls), The Gruffalo and The Gruffalo Child (Helena Bonham Carter, John Hurt, Tom Wilkinson, Rob Brydon, and Robbie Coltrane lend their voices to this award-winning animated film about a smart mouse who outwits one predator after another; then there’s a sequel)

New Releases on Blu Ray this week at Videoport: Wreck-It Ralph, Red Dawn (2012)

VideoReport #1,000,000 is coming!

Six more issues to VideoReport #400/VideoReport word #one million, so start thinking about your submissions for the historic issue. Will there be prizes? Maybe. Will it consist of nothing but 2,500 repeated single words? Like “Whedon?” Or “Firefly?” Or “Buffy?” Or just 625 repetitions of “We love Joss Whedon?” We don’t know. You don’t know. So rent a ton of movies, write about them, and start thinking about what the 1,000,000th word’s gonna be.

Get free money at Videoport!

Look, we know you love us. And you’re gonna keep spending your hard-earned rental dollars here (and not on some scratched DVDs plunked out from a plastic vending machine in a scabby 7-11 parking lot), so why not get yourself some free money. Yup- prepay $20 on your Videoport account, and we give you $25 worth of rental credit. And if you prepay $30, we give you $40 worth of rental credit. That’s just free money you’re leaving on the table, people.

VideoReport #308

Volume CCCVIII- From Russia with C.H.U.D.

For the Week of 7/12/11

Did we mention "weird"?

Videoport.   As you walk its aisles, you

All the movies. All the movies of your whole life...

walk through movie history. The best, the worst, and the weirdest. The favorites from your childhood and what’ll be the favorites of your old age. All right here, just waiting for you…

Middle Aisle Monday. (Get one free rental from the Sci-Fi, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Mystery/Thriller, Animation or Staff Picks sections with your paid rental.)

>>>Elsa S. Customer suggests The House of Yes (in Incredibly Strange.) Marty Pascal is coming home from college for Thanksgiving, and his twin sister Jacqueline (Parker Posey) is so excited to see him! So very excited. Unnervingly and weirdly excited, even. This is the edgiest of dramatic comedies, or the most unnerving of comedic dramas, and it’s Parker Posey’s extraordinary performance that balances House of Yeson that knife’s edge. Brittle, witty, all-too-excitable Jacqueline (known to her family as Jackie-O* for reasons that become excruciatingly clear) is hemmed in and guarded by her deep-in-denial mother (Genevieve Bujold, all unravelling

Our JackieO will rarely pull a piece on you.

glamour and shrugging fatalism) and adoring younger brother Anthony (Freddy Prinze, Jr, perfectly puppyish in his desire to please), but that’s not enough to keep her from delivering some sardonic jabs to Lesly, Marty’s new girlfriend. No matter how uncomfortable Jacqueline makes them, they can’t refuse to spend the night: an attack of politeness hems them in just as effectively as the sudden storm that springs up. Anyway, as Jackie-O reprovingly reminds Marty: “Anthony went out and bought a jacket and I went to a lot of trouble to get sane, so you can’t just leave.”

*Editor’s note: Videoport’s own JackieO is significantly less crazy than Parkey Posey’s Jackie-O. 16-17% less crazy…

Tough and Triassic Tuesday. (Get one free rental from the Action or Classics sections with your paid rental.)

>>> Dennis suggests Take the Money and Run (in Classics.) Here are Woody Allen’s favorite Woody Allen movies (from a recent interview): The Purple Rose of Cairo, Match Point, Bullets Over Broadway, Husbands and Wives, and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Yeah, read that list again. Sigh. Look, I’m a Woody fan from my childhood as a tiny, nerdy movie/comedy geek. Once I discovered Woody’s early movies, like Annie Hall, Sleeper, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask,

Comedy, schmomedy...

Manhattan, Love & Death, Bananas, and What’s Up Tiger Lily?, my tiny little geeky mind was blown with comedic possibilities heretofore unimagined. And once the Woodman started to branch out, I followed him, all the way from Hannah and Her Sisters, Another Woman, September…hell, I even sort of liked Interiors. And I like some of the movies on Woody’s recent list, but seriously- this is the list of the five favorite Woody Allen movies of a guy I would never want to talk about Woody Allen movies with. Or hang out with. Sigh. I mean, Purple Rose– fine. A little maudlin, but fine. And Bullets-pretty funny stuff, with good work from John Cusack, Mary Louise Parker, and Chazz Palminteiri. Match Point– possibly his most overrated film, revealing his increasing inability to write dialogue that sounds like humans talk. Husbands and Wives

But, you ARE comedy, Woody...

sure, pretty solid drama, and sadly resonant, all things considered. Vicky– it’s fine (thanks to Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz.) But, as a Woody consumer, and a fan of things that are, you know, fun- this list just pisses me off; it’s like he’s completely disowning everything he ever did that meant something to me. So I’m going back almost to the beginning, with this, Woody’s 1969 goofball second directorial effort. It’s the faux-documentary about Virgil Starkwell (Woody), a runty little misfit who drifts into a life of crime as the world’s most inept bank robber. It’s a string of completely silly and absurd gags (Virgil playing the cello in a marching band [think about it], Virgil attempting an escape while chained to an entire chain gang, Virgil getting caught while arguing with a teller about the handwriting on his stickup note, Virgil being fed hard boiled eggs minced through the prison screen by his long-suffering girlfriend, and on and on…) It’s just a delightful, wacky, completely-inventive delight that can still give me the giggles. And make me happy. I’d take a ramshackle, gleefully-silly flick like this over any of the five movies grumpy old Woody cites as his most representative films any day.

Wacky and Worldly Wednesday. (Get one free rental from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with your paid rental…OR…get 4 movies for 7 days for 7 bucks!)

>>> Anime Ed suggests Cutie Honey (in Made in Japan.) Hmmm..how is this movie? Only FREAKIN’ AWESOME! Seriously, one of the most entertaining, fun flicks I’ve seen in a long while. Imagine Hausu/House (in the Criterion Collection), Big Trouble in Little China (in Action/Adventure), Ultraman, and Big Man Japan (also in Made in Japan) thrown into a blender and mixed with a bunch of psychedelics, and out comes this movie. Rent it, watch it, and bask in the sheer genius insanity of it all. BANZAI!!

Thrifty Thursday. (Get one free movie from any section with your paid rental.)

>>>Andy suggests Double Take (in the Incredibly Strange section). This fun movie is a must-see for any fan of Alfred Hitchcock who has devoured all of his features, TV episodes, biographies, and interviews. Double Takeis a documentary, and it’s a work of fiction… well, it’s a fictional documentary that definitely

If you find your double, kill him...

belongs in Videoport’s Incredibly Strange section (in fact, Mondo Hitchcock would be a good title for this one). This is a compilation of Sir Alfred’s television appearances and movie trailers (Hitchcock was deeply, and hilariously, involved in his own promotion) blended together with unrelated late ’50s/early ’60s news clips, stock footage, and commercials. At first it seems randomly assembled, but then themes emerge, and a continuing story, seemingly narrated by Hitchcock himself, is told. There are intriguing juxtapositions: cold war propaganda and 9/11 imagery, space race news updates and coffee commercials, and banal scenes of America’s domestic life set to dramatic Bernard Herrman music. Double Take is a Hitchcockian story about the great director himself meeting his own doppelganger in the year 1963, and a documentary about a real-life lookalike. I think the real Hitchcock would have enjoyed this movie, since it’s so playful in it’s storytelling; it’s telling a pretty cool story while revealing, as it’s being told, exactly how the story is being faked! Also, Double Take is a time capsule, edited afterwards by a clever artist to make the point that a lot has changed over the last fifty years, namely… nothing (keep watching through the end credits if you want this point hammered over your head). There’s a lot of fun to be had here, and there’s a great bonus feature, too: an 18-minute audio interview of Karen Black (star of Family Plot) by director Johan Grimonprez. And remember, “they say that if you meet your double, you should kill him, or that he will kill you.”

Free Kids Friday. (Get one free rental from the Children’s or Family sections, no other rental necessary).

>>>Elsa S. Customer suggests Cinderella. Remember, girls: just wait around and be pretty, and a boy will come along to save you from your dreary life! Okay, enough snark. Disney’s Cinderella is a great childhood favorite, so let’s try something constructive: use the film’s less-than-fantastic messages as a jumping-off point for a teachable moment. Waiting around passively [spoiler alert!] worked out okay for Cinderella, but see if your child can brainstorm some other, more active strategies that good ole ‘Ella could have used to escape her oppressive home life, some sort of coping skills that don’t rely on a magical mentor and a handsome prince. Or you can flip the idea on its head and look at Cinderella as a karmic fable: good, kind people who persevere in adversity will be rewarded with a wonderful life. Either way, you’re helping your child learn to engage actively and thoughtfully with the ideas disseminated in popular culture, not to swallow them whole.

Having a Wild Weekend. (Rent two, get your third movie for free from any section on Saturday and Sunday.)

>>>For Saturday, Regan suggests Wah Do Dem (in Feature Drama.) (Temp: 86 degrees outside. 83 degrees inside.) This is about this kid Max who goes on a cruise to Jamaica and a buncha schitz happens to him. I treat hot weather like Storm Center told me. Bad things would happen if I try to leave the house. But I do so enjoy a hot weather movie. As Max is underwater looking at fishy, rocky things, I think about how I would need goggles on account of the contact lenses. That would be too much of a hassle. So I’d better stay in. Shades drawn. Fans a-blowin’. And movies a-plenty. I like this one. Johnny Depp should watch it and remember when he used to make movies that don’t suck taint.

>>>For Sunday, April suggests Lucky (in Documentary.) My mind know the odds of me winning the lottery are terrible, but I just keep ignoring it. I usually stick to easy picks since more people win that way, at least that’s what I learned while watching Lucky. I kinda hope I’ll win just so I can rub it in Andy’s face and then take him to the Grand Canyon like I promised I’d do if I won. (He didn’t want to go to the Harry Potter theme park like I thought he would.)

>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests Devil (in Mystery/Thriller.) It’s a simple premise, and by “simple,” I guess I mean “dumb”: five strangers get stuck in an elevator and one of them is — duh duh DUH — THE DEVIL. Or, I dunno, a devil. Whatevs. While the very silly movie unreeled its nonsense, we amused ourselves by hollering out alternate titles. (“Devil-vator!” “Elevator of Doom!” “Twistevator!” “Elevator Pitch!”) But I’ll admit: I was partly won over, almost entirely thanks to the marvelous Chris Messina’s performance as an embittered detective watching the captive victims over CCTV; Messina takes his part more seriously than this film deserves and comes close to redeeming the film, tipping it over from not-very-bad to reasonably-entertaining-and-gripping.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo,

           The Girl Who Played with Fire,

                    & The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest…

…and now the next installment in Stieg Larsson’s Millennium Trilogy is…

-The Girl Who Ran the Yellow Light

-The Girl Who Filed Her Taxes Late

-The Girl Who Cut the Tag Off the Mattress

-The Girl Who Didn’t Fully Cook Her Chicken

-The Girl Who Stuck a Fork in the Toaster

-The Girl Who Ran with Scissors

-The Girl Who Let the Right One In

-The Girl Who Didn’t Signal When She Turns

-The Girl Who Drank Beer before Liquor

-The Girl Who Hung Out at Phil Spector’s House

-The Girl Who Mixed Pop Rocks and Coke

-The Girl Who Went Swimming 49 Minutes after Eating

-The Girl Who Didn’t Use Sunscreen

-The Girl Who Ordered the Fish on Sunday

-The Girl Who Tugged on Superman’s Cape

-The Girl Who Smacked a Wolf in the Face

-The Girl Who Punched a Scorpion

-The Girl Who Tickled a Tarantula

-The Girl Who Tap-Danced on the Bear Den

-The Girl Who Poked a Puma

-The Girl Who Played “Got Your Nose” with a Wombat

-The Girl Who Mentioned Netflix to Regan

New Releases this week at Videoport: Rango (Johnny Depp lends his lucrative voice to this animated Western adventure comedy about a meek city lizard forced to become a desert town’s gunslinging hero; costarring the slightly-less box-office, and yet perhaps more talented, pipes of the likes of Timothy Olyphant, Ray Winstone, Bill Nighy, Alfred Molina, Ned Beatty, and Harry Dean Stanton), The Lincoln Lawyer (Matthew McConaughey, presumably keeping his shirt on for a change, got some decent reviews as the titular slicky-boy defense attorney [who operates out of his car for some reason] who gets a case that suggests that the legal system may not be entirely fair…), ‘Entourage’- season 7 (the further adventures of a quartet of Hollywood hangers-on…), ‘Damages’- season 3 (Glenn Close and ‘Bridesmaids” Rose Byre are back as a pair of warring lawyers in this deliciously-deviant series; look for great additions to the cast this year- Lily Tomlin, Campbell Scott, and Martin Short), Insidious (hey, Rose Byrne is back! This time, she’s a mom of three whose move to her new dream house results in some seriously-creepy stuff; this low-budget horror thriller actually got some good reviews- a serious rarity in the horror genre), Arthur(I don’t suppose we really needed a remake of the already-quite-funny-

Dudly Moore and John Gielgud did NOT have this weird sexual energy, I don't care what you say...

thank-you Dudley Moore comedy about an alcoholic millionaire manchild, but Russell Brand seems born to take the role on, and casting Helen Mirren in the John Gielgud role of Arthur’s long-suffering, snarky butler is a genius move), ‘MI-5’- volume 9 (fans of gritty British spy shenanigans rejoice, as this series Bonds on…), Robot Chicken- Star Wars III (Seth Green and his toybox just can’t leave George Lucas alone, thankfully), Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives (because Videoport customers are so cool, this Thai film, about a man visited by his dead wife [in the form of a ghost] and his dead son [seemingly in the form of a sasquatch] and which won the big prizes at this year’s Cannes film festival, has been one of the most requested movies of late; we love you guys…), Miral (painter-turned-director Julian Schnabel has made three movies previously [Basquiat, Before Night Falls, and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly], and they’re all brilliant; this one, a controversial, Palenstinian take on the birth of Israel told through the eyes of a teenage girl [Slumdog Millionaire‘s Freida Pinto] has divided people- which probably means it’s challenging, smart, and avoids easy answers…), Brother’s Justice (Dax Shepard directs and stars in this mockumentary about the usually-goofy comic actor deciding to pitch his semi-successful comedy career [see Baby Mama, Without a Paddle, Idiocracy] in order to pursue his dream of being a martial

Dax Shepard does NOT know karate.

arts action star…despite the fact that he has no idea how to fight; it’s semi-improvised, with cameos from Bradley Cooper, David Koechner, Tom Arnold, Jon Favreau and others- it’s actually pretty funny.)

New Arrivals this week at Videoport: WWE Summerslam: Hogan vs. Michaels (Videoport brings in this 2005 rasslin’ spectacular with one of the greatest physical wrestlers of all time taking on the most overhyped, one-note megastar in wrestling history.)

New Arrivals on Blu-Ray: Rango, The Lincoln Lawyer, Arthur, Insidious.

Here’s how you save some money at Videoport:

Videoport’s pre-payment plans get you free money just for renting here. If you pre-pay $20 on your account, we give you $25 worth of rental credit. And $30 buys you $40 worth. It’s the smart thing to do…

VideoReport #203

Volume CCIII- I Married A Mothra From Outer Space
For the week of 7/07/09
Videoport pledges to give you a free movie every day, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.
Middle Aisle Monday. (Get one free rental from the Sci-Fi, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Mystery/Thriller, Animation or Staff Picks sections with your paid rental.)
>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ season six, episode 16: Hell’s Bells (in Horror). As their wedding approaches, Xander and Anya find their already fraying tempers tested further by frictions between the factions: Xander’s boisterous, dipsomaniac family doesn’t mix well with Anya’s, um, “circus folk.” When an avuncular guest promises Xander a vision of his future life, the tension spirals higher. Wedding lesson learned: proper vows avoid the phrase “sex poodle.”
>>> While you’re in the Middle Aisle, also pick up ‘Angel’ season one, episode 7, “Bachelor Party.” Angel’s hard-drinking demon cohort Doyle (Glenn Quinn) gets a surprise visit from his long-lost wife; she wants a no-fault divorce and his blessing to marry a new fella. The new fiancé (Whedon triple-threat Carlos Jacott) seems genial enough, a big harmless goof, but in the world of Whedon, nothing is ever quite that simple. Uh, is it? Watch and see!
Tough and Triassic Tuesday. (Get one free rental from the Action or Classics sections with your paid rental.)
>>>Elsa S. Customer suggests The Philadelphia Story (in Classics). On the eve of socialite Tracy Samantha Lord’s (Katherine Hepburn’s) wedding, a tabloid sends a reluctant reporter (James Stewart) and photographer (Ruth Hussey) to stay at the Lords’ estate, passing themselves off as family friends. Tracy’s ex-husband, C.K. Dexter Haven (Cary Grant), is unwillingly pressed into serv ice, helping them infiltrate the upper-class shindig. What follows, of course, is a romantic roundelay of hesitant flirtations, frustrations, and misunderstandings, all punctuated with unwieldy pronouncements about the meaning of love and the role of a wife. Aptly described and decried by your editor as “a feminist spanking machine” and loaded with classist presumptions to boot, The Philadelphia Story manages to retain a luster of glamour and intelligence despite its obvious flaws, and remains one of the classic products of Old Hollywood. It brought Stewart a well-deserved Oscar, and redeemed Hepburn from her recently won label of Box Office Poison.
Wacky and Worldly Wednesday. (Get one free rental from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with your paid rental.)
>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests My Best Friend’s Wedding (in Comedy). In this neo-screwball comedy, Julia Roberts plays Julianne, a seemingly sane person who nonetheless realizes just days before the wedding of her best friend (Dermot Mulrooney) that she is truly, madly, deeply in love with him. Well, madly, anyhow. She determines to ruin his apparently very happy relationship with his utterly delightful bride-to-be (played with giddy good spirits by Cameron Diaz, perhaps the most winning she’s ever been onscreen), and engages in machinations both embarrassing and venal, scheming with unnerving zeal to destroy the future of two blissfully happy people. It’s hard to turn a film about a legitimately terrifying series of psychotic behaviors into an endearing comedy, but somehow writer-director P.J. Hogan (Muriel’s Wedding) pulls it off. The performances are note-perfect, and the Burt Bacharach soundtrack (often sung by characters within the film) brings a lovely, hazy sense of pop through the whole affair.
Thrifty Thursday. (Get one free movie from any section with your paid rental.)

>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests Muriel’s Wedding (in Drama). It’s a coming-of-age story mixed with the tale of the ugly duckling: garish, ungainly Muriel (Toni Collette) takes off from her provincial home town, makes friends with a zany, saucy party girl (Rachel Griffiths), and spends her free time daydreaming about getting married. All this action takes place against a peppy background of ABBA songs. Sounds larky and light, eh? Think again: Muriel’s Wedding is a dark story spiked with bursts of hilarious high spirits, mixing sharp mockery with real empathy for the very characters it skewers.
Free Kids Friday. (Get one free rental from the Children’s or Family sections, no other rental necessary).
>>> Elsa S. customer suggests The Looney Tunes Golden Collection. Videoport has a whole lotta Disney films in which pretty pretty princesses and blandly handsome princes get hitched, but for sheer exuberance and joy, I’m suggesting Rabbit of Seville from the Looney Toons Golden Collection. Bugs Bunny’s usual antics get amped up by Rossini’s overture to Barber of Seville, as Bugs outpaces, outwits, and outlasts Elmer Fudd in a quasi-operatic charade. this short features several of the great moments in Looney Toons history, including Bugs’ masquerade as a barber (The Barber of Seville, natch!), the quick-step arms-race gag where Elmer and Bugs chase each other with a rapidly escalating arsenal, and finally the Marriage of Figaro sequence, with the balding blushing bride all gussied up.
Having a Wild Weekend. (Rent two, get your third movie for free from any section on Saturday and Sunday.)
>>>For Saturday, Elsa S. Customer suggests “The Office,’ season three, episode 15: Phyllis’s Wedding. In a daring bid to get an extended honeymoon vacation, Phyllis offers Michael a place in her wedding party, with predictably cringe-worthy results. Pam, attending solo, finds the details of Phyllis and Bob’s wedding eerily familiar, right down to the floral arrangements and the ribbons emblazoned with the initials P & R. While his girlfriend Karen enjoys the reception (and the soothing tunes of Scrantonicity), Jim hypothesizes to the camera about a purely hypothetical romance with Pam, but just hypothetical, you understand. What part of hypothetical don’t you understand?
>>>For Sunday, Elsa S. Customer recommends Last Chance Harvey (in Drama). Harvey (Dustin Hoffman) is in London for his daughter’s wedding*, hosted by his ex-wife and her husband (Kathy Baker and James Brolin). Daunted by the prospect of attending stag, he picks up a reluctant stranger (Emma Thompson) and persuades her to attend with him. I’ll admit it at the outset: this little comedy does not showcase the greatness of Hoffman and Thompson. On reflection, that may be exactly what I like about it: it’s a small piece, a trifle, a playground where they gently exercise their great talents and explore their on-screen chemistry (seen briefly in Stranger than Fiction) without delving beyond poignancy to pathos. It’s a treat to see fully grown adults on a movie screen: their faces lined, cloaked, and hesitant. These people know that they’ve hemmed in their lives with their own fears and hesitations, and seeing these emotions play out in restraint and propriety is a real reward. Despite the script’s deficiencies and retreats into convention, the characters feel real. There are no bad guys, no good guys, no fundamental struggle between The Good and The Bad, just decent, flawed people straining to behave well and keep their chins up. It’s a perfect Sunday movie.
*The daughter is actually a clever little piece of casting: check out her adorable nose, and reflect how unlikely it is that a young actress would both A) have Hoffman’s nose and B) be just as cute as a button.

This week’s New Releases: ‘Reno 911- Season 6’ (The worst, and funniest cops in the world are back, and they’ve brought in a couple of ringers, with ‘The State’ alum Joe Lo Truglio and Upright Citizens Brigade’s Ian Roberts joining the cast), Knowing (Nicholas Cage discovers that every one of the creepy predictions in a recently dug-up time capsule have come true; up next…the end of the world?!?! DUM-DUM-DUMMMMM! Is big Nick up to the task of saving us all, or should we have called Will Smith?), Tokyo! (cool, oddball anthology film consists of three takes on life in the titular city from directors Michel Gondry [Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind], Leos Carax [Lovers on the Bridge], and Joon-ho Bong [The Host]; Gondry’s entry, about a young woman finding a lovely, loopy place to fit in in teeming, crowded Tokyo, is adorable…), Push (sort of an X-Men without the copyright issues, this is a sci fi actioner about some appropriately-hot young people with superpowers; costarring the undeniably-cool Djimon Honsou), The Unborn (a young woman gets all possessed and stuff in this horror thriller that got ungodly bad reviews; watch it [maybe] for the completely overqualified cast in supporting roles including Gary Oldman, Jane Alexander, and Stringer Bell himself, ‘The Wire’’s Idris Elba).

New Arrivals at Videoport: Four, count ‘em four new episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 hit the shelves of the Incredibly Strange section! Check out the yuks in The Girl in Lovers Lane, Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy, Zombie Nightmare, and Racket Girls!, Private Parts (this super sleazy black comedy gem from cult director Paul Bartel [Eating Raoul] about a naive young woman staying at perhaps the least AAA approved rooming house ever can be found, unsurprisingly, in the Incredibly Strange section as well), Demon Seed (this creepy sci fi thriller about a possessive super computer that tries to impregnate the lady of the house is classed up by the eternally-lovely Julie Christie; it was also the basis for a ‘Treehouse of Horror’ tale on ‘The Simpsons’ where a Pierce Brosnan-voiced home security system has the hots for Marge), To Be Or Not to Be (Jack Benny and Carole Lombard star in this 40s comedy about a group of actors trying to outwit the Nazis; later remade by Mel Brooks, to middling effect), Shoot the Moon (excellent, long out-of-print divorce drama from director Alan Rudolph stars Albert Finney and Diane Keaton, each at the top of their game, as a fifteen-years married couple whose marriage disintegrates), ‘Man vs. Wild’- season 2 (a dude named Bear eats bugs, buries himself in the snow, rassles snakes…and he doesn’t even have the common decency to do it for cash and prizes; he’s doing it for science…like a big egghead…), Annie (the 1980s movie version of the beloved[?] Broadway show about the spunky orphan, and the bald dude, and whatnot; also starring Albert Finney, who had a really interesting decade in the 80s…), Nursery University (documentary about the utterly bananas phenomenon of psychotically competitive parents trying to enroll their children into the most prestigious nursery schools, while the kids are still trying to decide which of dad’s shoes to pee in today), The Gray Man (Videoport’s April should be happy with our acquisition of this low budget thriller [starring ‘Choose Me’’s Patrick Bachau] about 1930s serial child killer Albert Fish; he is April’s favorite psychopath), The Cool School (documentary about the 1950s-1960s modern art scene in Los Angeles; you can find it in the Documentary Arts section at Videoport, o’course), The Pied Piper of Hutzovina (Videoport’s Sam swears that this documentary about Eugene Hutz, the lead of the bad Golgol Bordello, made by a former girlfriend who’s clearly pissed that they aren’t together anymore, is a fascinating portrait of a stalker as much as it is a study of the musician’s journey to his native Ukraine).

Premise! Jean-Claude van Damme is a bridegroom pushed too far in…
Deaded Bliss
The Best Manhandling
Made of Honor
Martial Bliss
‘Til Death Do Us Part
Notary Pubkick
Timegroom
Nuptial Impact
Vow of Vengeance
Four Weddings and a Kick in the Nuts
Marital Law
Extreme Justice of the Peace
Deading Bells
Even My Wedding Video Goes Direct-to-DVD?
Bridecop
Action Scenes from a Marriage
Wedding Smashers
My Big 0% Body Fat Belgian Wedding
Walloon Wedding
Pride and Extreme Prejudice
Bouquet of Blood
Corpse Bride
The Bride of Kickenstein
Bride of Sucky
Wedded to Failure
Punted Honeymoon
Rules of Engagement
Shoot, Kick, and Punch the Moon
Kramer vs. Kicker
Wife vs. Secretary vs. Kickboxer
The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Kickboxer
Husbands & Knives
How to Murder Your Wife
Shotgun Wedding
Barefoot Combat in the Park
Pachelbel’s Loose Cannon
Something Black & Blue

Videoport vows:
1. We have two payment plans to save you money. $20 gets you $25 in rental credit on your Videoport account, while $30 nets you a cool $40.
2. We can order any movie currently in print on DVD for you. We’ll even give you a free rental with each purchase.
3. We’ll validate your parking at any of the downtown parking garages. Just ask. And the parking lot behind the building is open weeknights and all day on the weekends for free one hour parking.
4. Our employees will assist you with their unparalleled movie knowledge and people skills; they will not wet themselves if you ask them about a foreign language film.
5. We’ll continue to maintain, and expand, the best, damned selection of movies in the world.

Write for the Videoport! Yup, it’s true- you, too, can write movie reviews for your local movie store’s hastily-mimeographed weekly newsletter! Pinch yourself! But seriously, The VideoReport is the, well, weekly newsletter of Videoport, the best movie store in Maine, nay, the world. Just send your movie reviews, movie lists, movie essays, movie poetry, movie recipes, and, obviously, anything even remotely connected to movies to us at denmn@hotmail.com, our Myspace page http://www.myspace.com/videoportjones or, hey, just drop them off here at the store. You love movies, we love movies, we all clearly love to force our movie opinions on others…howsabout we all chime in together?

Check us out on the intra-nets! (Did you know they have the internet on computers now?…Weird.) Well, Videoport is jumping on this whole computer thing with both feet, so you can read our favorite movie reviews online at our WordPress blog http://www.videoportjones.wordpress.com. Plus, you can read each week’s VideoReport there, too. Of course, if you’re reading this on paper now, then, well, that’s not too exciting a prospect, but still… (Oh, and since we’re all happy about the information superhighway, don’t forget to check in with former Videoporter Jeremy [he’s also the guy who writes the insightful, hilarious Videoport ad/article in each week’s Portland Phoenix] on his WordPress blog http://www.butthorn.wordpress.com. This week, he’s posted an essay about his favorite supporting performances that’ll make you laugh until you barf. So look us up on the compootie and bump up our stats; our self-esteem is ridiculously tied up with that sort of thing…

Next week: Videoport’s Andy is in charge! I’m off getting hitched to the lovely Ms. Elsa S. Customer! And you’re not! Later, suckers!

Published in: on July 6, 2009 at 2:51 am  Leave a Comment  
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Premise!- We Hate Mel Gibson

A fading action star is arrested for drunk driving and unleashes a bigoted, sexist tirade on the arresting officers. It’s Mel Gibson’s most controversial movie yet:

The Year of Driving Dangerously
M.A.D.D. Max
Gimme Back My Career!!
Bravehitler
What Women Want…Not to Be Called “Sugar Tits”
Mad, Bigoted Max
Lethanol Weapon
Lethanol Weapon 2: Zyklon B
Tequila Sunrise
Booze & Jews: Beyond Thunderdome
Menorah Without a Face
Apocoboozeo
(In Mayan with slurred English subtitles)
Mad, Drunk, Antisemitic, Homophobic, Sexist Max
Man Without a Clue
It Wasn’t an Antisemitic Tirade, I Was Just Spectacularly Failing the “Recite the Alphabet Backwards” Test
Conspiracy Theory 2: It’s the Jews’ Fault
Mrs. Sugartits
Mrs. Soeffel and Mr. Scumbag
Career Apocalypto
Air America…Is Gonna Have a Field Day With This
We Were Gentiles
Put Another Jew On the Barbie
Jesus Would Definitely Approve of This
The Jews Stole My Accent
Signs (I Don’t Stop For)
We Were Nazi Soldiers
What Hitler Wants
Air Axis
The Passion of the Drunk A-hole
“See? We’re Not So Bad in Comparison”: The Scientology Story
First My Hairline, Now This?
The Road Rage Warrior
Bird Hung On a Piano Wire
Forever Screwed
Attack Force KKK
Mad Max: Beyond Decency

Published in: on June 21, 2009 at 12:25 am  Comments (3)  
Tags: