I want to start renting at Videoport again, but…

It's a bad movie, but you get the point...

So, you’ve finally come to your senses.  You’ve decided to return to Videoport.  Maybe the fact that all the chain stores in Maine have closed down, or the fact that Blockbuster is planning to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy at any second (UPDATE:  they already filed, and now don’t have credit enough to purchase many new releases…).  (DOUBLE UPDATE: The one remaining Blockbuster in the area has just closed down, leaving us the last man standing.  Hate to say I told you so, BB, but, again…THAT”S WHAT YOU GET FOR F***ING WITH US!)  Maybe you just realized that those stores have/had about fifty movies to choose from, ridiculously high prices, and blank-eyed staffs with about as much knowledge of movies as they do/did about the Large Hadron Collider.  Or perhaps you realized that R*dbox and N*tflix are souless, corporate behemoths completely uninterested in movies as anything other than a way to make a buck and to drive stores that actually care about movies out of business.  Aw, hell, maybe you just missed us.

So you grabbed your keys, your meticulously researched ‘movies to see’ scrapbook, and a handful of loose change and started out the door…only to freeze in your tracks like you just finally figured out the end of Primer (you didn’t, by the way).

You don't get this.

You realized you owe Videoport money.

And now it’s all crashing down around you:  your hopes, your dreams, your secret Pam Grier fetish…you’ll be stuck picking depressedly through the crappy choices at some hideous plastic chain store (until its parent company pulls the plug), and then there’s only the unimaginable horror of…shudder…network television.  Your whole life is over.  You’ll never rent at Videoport again…

Bullcrap.

See, I’ll let you in on a little secret you might be forgetting:  Videoport wants you to rent here. We love you.  We need you.  You are the wind beneath our wings.  So do not be afraid to come back in, regardless of whether you think you owe us money or not.  Here are the reasons why:

1. It’s not as bad as you think! Seriously.  No matter what, I think you’re going to be surprised, and that pleasantly.  First, extra day charges at Videoport are eminently reasonable: just fifty cents a day for regular movies (which is 99.99% of anything you could rent from us), and $2.85 a day ONLY $1.00 A DAY for new releases.  And, if you’re thinking “Holy crap!  that new release rate looks totally scary! (UPDATE: Not really, now…) I’m gonna just stay inside and hide under my bed- those Videoport monsters are gonna kill me!”, well, just calm down.  We rarely enact violence on anyone at Videoport, and never because they owe us money.  Second, there’s a cap on how much we’re going to charge

The meter hasn't been running on this since 1990.

you for any movie, no matter how late.  Yup, even if you’ve had a movie out for ten years (feel free to drop that VHS copy of For Love or Money in the drop box, by the way), the most we’re going to charge you is $20 per movie.  You heard me- twenty bucks is the ceiling on any one rental, no matter how late it may have been/still be!  “But”, you’re still saying, “twenty bucks…I mean, that’s really, extraordinarily generous and sweet of you guys, but twenty bucks is still twenty bucks, and my mom needs an operation…”  Well, that brings us to:

2. Videoport payment plans! No, not like layaway (and sorry to hear about your fictitious mom, by the way), these are Videoport’s way of saving you even more money!  See, anytime you want to, you can pre-pay money on your Videoport account only to have us give you some extra money for free.  $20 buys you $25 in rental credit and $30 buys you $40 in rental credit, thus giving you five or ten free bucks (or a 20 or 25% discount, depending on how you look at it).  See

This should not prevent you from renting at Videoport...

where this is going?  Say you (or your roommate, ex-lover, that guy you met at the bus stop who you swore had the most honest eyes) never brought back a DVD copy of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants back in, say, 2005.  Well, first, don’t panic, America- Videoport replaced it and has that fine film on its shelves.  Second, and more relevant, like we said, the most you’ll have to pay is twenty bucks.  And, since you we’ve got those aforementioned payment deals, that $20 is going to magically leave you, almost as a reward for having not returned The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, an extra five bucks in rental credit on your Videoport account!  Yeah!  And, say back in 2005, you got extra wacky and didn’t return both The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and director Yasujiro Ozu’s delicate Japanese classic Early Autumn (because you are adventurous and unpredictable), and you find yourself (because, recall, we cap extra day fees at $20 per movie) owing $40!  Well, look at those rental deals again- take advantage of the 30-for-40 deal, and your outstanding $40 debt is cleared up for only $30!  See, it’s not that bad, and, to take care of any lingering doubts about coming back to Videoport:

3.  We won’t make you feel bad! Seriously.  We want you to rent here.  We understand that things happen, and we want to make it as easy as possible for you to come back and rejoin the Videoport rental community of awesomeness and wonder (while, you know, staying in business ourselves).  So call us today at 773-1999.  Talk to us.  We won’t make fun of you, we won’t make you feel bad, and we guarantee it’s not gonna be as bad as you think.

Published in: on April 9, 2010 at 12:54 pm  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. If only I still lived in Portland… Love you guys!

  2. Long Live Videoport!

    • Viva La Videopuerta! Yo no hablo mucho Espanol! AAAIIIEEEE!!!!

  3. But I live in Calais now, arghhhh! You know I’ll stop by anytime I’m in town though. It’s nice to know that you’ll be there when I need you Videoport.

  4. Perhaps the BEST selection of titles anywhere just might have something to do with it…


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