VideoReport #467

Volume CDLXII- Videoport: The Videoporting

For the Week of 7/29/14

(Click the pics for more reviews!)

Videoport gives you a free movie every single day. Who’s gonna argue with that? People who hate movies, I guess. But why are they even in the store in the first place? Weird…

Middle Aisle Monday! Take a free rental from the Science Fiction, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Popular Music, Mystery/Thriller, Animation, or Staff Picks sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>> Videoport Customer Caleb suggests Bad Biology (in the Incredibly Strange section). This masterpiece of filth and perversity is the work of none other than NYC film auteur Frank Henenlotter, the man responsible for such cult brilliance as the Basket Case trilogy, Frankenhooker, and Brain Damage, and was co-written and produced by sick and twisted Long Island hardcore rapper, R.A. ‘The Rugged Man’ Thornburn. It tells the story of a New York photographer Jennifer (Charlee Danielson) whose extracurricular activities include feeding her insatiable appetite. She was born a sexual mutant, and is on the hunt for fulfillment; possibly even love. Her daily routine involves dirty sex and a fast reproductive metabolism. You have to see it to believe it. And she does a photo shoot called F*** Face! Parallel to this, we follow Batz (Anthony Sneed), who spends all of his time feeding a mixed cocktail of strange chemicals to his “lower self” who has been forever mutated and has made him a slave… to himself. Again, you gotta see it to believe it. The story eventually brings these two kindred (tortured) souls together, but not before a whirlwind intercourse’al adventure that would make John Waters blush. Unfortunately, I can’t explain too much about this picture here in the VideoReport.  I can say I sat through all 4+ hours of Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac Vol. 1-2, and I hated it. The reason I’m bringing this up, is that Bad Biology actually had a few things in common with that waste of time. Jennifer in Bad Biology spends some time justifying her appetite, but she manages to explain herself in a matter of minutes (as opposed to over 4 hours of my life). The HUGE difference is that the depravity in this picture was plot-driving, comedic, entertaining, and I thought more symbolic. I highly recommend this to fans of Henenlotter, sex-comedies, exploitation, sexploitation, gore, horror-comedies, perversity, B-movies, filth, Troma films, stop-motion penis animation, obscene language, gratuitous sex scenes, unapologetic sex, transcendental orgasms, telepathic reproductive organs, photography and blood.

Tough and Triassic Tuesday! Give yourself a free rental from the Action or Classics section with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!            

>>> Dennis presents his monthly update on how a certain internet movie subscription service (which is routinely the subject of class action lawsuits) hates you and doesn’t care about your happiness! Yup, it’s the start of a new month, which means that said huge, heartless conglomerate is taking away a huge list of great movies from those of you foolish enough to rely on it for your entertainment (we forgive you). They do this every month. Videoport does this….never. We never take movies away from you—because that’s evil and stupid. We love you. They hate you. Here’s this month’s list:
“The Addams Family” (1991)

"No one'll miss this piece of crap!"—Netfl*x

“No one’ll miss this piece of crap!”—Netfl*x

“Airplane!” (1980)

“Attack of the Crab Monsters” (1957)

“Braveheart” (1995)

“The City of Lost Children” (1995)

“Clay Pigeons” (1998)

“Clockers” (1995)

“Days of Thunder” (1990)

“Donnie Brasco” (1997)

“Easy Rider” (1968)

“Fido” (2006)

“The Ghost and the Darkness” (1996)

“The Good Son” (1993)

“Heartbreakers” (2001)

“Maximum Overdrive” (1986)

“The Mill and the Cross” (2011)

“Monty Python’s the Meaning of Life” (1983)

“Neil Young: Heart of Gold” (2006)

“Paper Moon” (1973)

“The Pianist” (2002)

“Piranha” (1978)

“The Rainmaker” (1997)

“She Done Him Wrong” (1933)

“Somewhere in Time” (1980)

“Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country” (1991)

“Stephen King’s Thinner” (2996)

“Stripped to Kill” (1987)

“Swimming with Sharks” (1994)

“To Be or Not to Be” (1983)

“Top Secret!” (1984)

”Valkyrie” (2008)

“Waking Ned Divine” (1998)

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno” (2008)

So that sucks, right? The worst loss? I’d say The Meaning Of life, but the whole policy stinks. It’s random, and it reveals that said internet subscription service doesn’t care about movies…or you. Videoport keep its movies at your fingertips. Always. Your choice, I suppose…                                                                                    

 Wacky and Worldly Wednesday! You’ve got a free rental coming from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!                                                          

 >>> How about getting some free money at Videoport! Pre-pay $20, we give you $25 in rental credit. Pre-pay $30 and you get $40 in rental credit. Yes, it’s just that easy, people.

Thrifty Thursday! Rent one, get a free rental from any other section in the store! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!                                        

>>> Emily S. Customer suggests Six Feet Under (in Feature Drama.) HBO’s Six Feet Under gets better the more I watch it. Alan Ball’s prestige drama centers on a family-run Los Angeles funeral home, weaving together the sorrows and lessons of each week’s spotlit death and subsequent funeral through the longer arc of the Fisher family’s joys and dramas. Where it could be trading in archetypes or even stereotypes, the show brims with deftly drawn, complex characters. Newly widowed Ruth (Frances Conroy, American Horror Story) mixes life-long repression with unpredictable quirks and bents. As David the younger son who followed his father into the family business and black-sheep older brother Nate, Jr., Michael C. Hall (Dexter) and Peter Krause (Parenthood, Sports Night) immediately radiate a peculiar but utterly plausible affinity that only develops and broadens as the show does. Angsty teenaged daughter with arty aspirations Claire (Lauren Ambrose, Sleepwalk with Me) is perhaps the closest to a caricature, but Ambrose’s weird, wired combination of snark and luminous energy gives Claire inner life. As it expands, the series introduces a wide range of family and friends, bringing in impressive, accomplished actors of every ilk: Rachel Griffiths, Jeremy Sisto, Lili Taylor, Ben Foster, Mathew St. Patrick, Patricia Clarkson, Justina Muchado, Kathy Bates, James Cromwell. On this rewatch, I noticed that the series manages to seed important character developments and plot points through the earliest seasons, sometimes letting them germinate for years before they bloom. What feels like a loose, long series of stories is actually very tightly structured — without ever losing that fresh, raw sense of immediacy.

Free Kids Friday! One free rental from the Kids section, no other rental necessary!                      

>>> It’s a free movie and it’s for kids. Save your grinchy grinching for someone who’s not giving a free movie to a kid.

Having a Wild Weekend! Rent two movies, and get a third one for free from any section!                                                   

 >>>For Saturday, Videoport Customer Kevin H. suggests a pair of movies about art! First up: The Best Offer (in Mystery/Thriller). Every so often a lost masterpiece turns up, found in an attic or maybe even painted over at some later date. World famous art appraiser/auctioneer Virgil Oldman (Geoffrey Rush) is the type who makes such finds, except he’d never deign to dirty himself by poking about in attics. Mainly because he’s an irascible old prig who is never without pair of gloves on, so as to best avoid all actual human contact, I guess. But while he doesn’t care for people, he does love his art (he scams his own auctions in order to obtain desired works). When he is called to catalogue and sell the contents of a crumbling old villa, he becomes intrigued by the promise of what he finds. There may be pieces of a long lost automaton, for instance. Oh, and there’s his mysterious client, a woman who lives in secret behind the walls of the house and refuses to be seen. He’s kind of intrigued by that too. I don’t want to say too much else about it. A lot of things are not what they seem in this movie; watching the story unfold and allowing myself to be surprised at certain points was part of the fun. And it is, above all else, a fun movie. Director Guiseppe Tornatore (Cinema Paradiso) creates a stylish look and a breezy feel that seems like something from an earlier age of movie-making. And watching Geoffrey Rush give a performance that is over the top yet humanizing for a very unlikeable character, that’s a lot of fun too.

>>>For Sunday, Videoport Customer Kevin H. gives you the second half of his art movie double feature with Museum Hours (in Foreign Language). By contrast, Museum Hours is a quiet little film that takes place in large part amongst the works of the Kunsthistorisches Museum in Vienna. Johann, an aging guard at the museum, spends his days in near-invisibility, quietly observing and meditating on the museum’s artwork and visitors. One day a visitor, in need of directions, interrupts his routine. Anne, a Canadian, is only in Austria to attend to a comatose relative who has no one else. She speaks very little German, doesn’t have a lot of money, and like Johann appears to be more or less edging through middle age alone. In a more conventional movie this would be headed for a romance, but it isn’t, or at least not in the usual sense.  “What is it about some people that makes you curious, while with others one would be just as happy not to know anything about them?” asks Johann in a voiceover. Their romance is one of companionship. He shows her the city as he knows it and assists her, a foreigner, in navigating it. They talk – about the paintings in the museum, about their lives, about the city around them (and the city of Vienna is, as much as the artworks in the museum are, the background of the movie). They pass their time together, at ease with and respectful of one another. That’s maybe more of a rare thing than we might think.


New Releases this week at Videoport: Noah (Russell Crowe stars as the titular Biblical drunk boat builder, gathering a certain number of all the animals in the world because God loved us so much that He decided to drown the bejeezus out of the human race. Big budget, a good director [Darren Arnofsky], and a good supporting cast including Jennifer Connolly, Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins [who contractually must appear in all epic movies], Emma Watson, and the voice of Nick Nolte!), The Protector 2 (Ong Bak star and certifiably insane risk-taker and arse-kicker Tony Jaa is back in the sequel to that movie where he knocked out hundreds of goys with his sharp, deadly elbows), Jimmy P. (Great actors Benicio Del Toror and Mathieu Amalric star in this indie drama about a traumatized WWII Native American veteran and the caring French psychiatrist who tries to help him. Directed by Arnaud Desplechin of A Christmas Tale, Kings & Queen, and My Sex Life…Or How I Got Into An Argument), Appleseed Alpha (a gun-toting woman and her cyborg pal try to survive in the rubble of post-WWIII New York City in this continuation of the long-running anime series), Finding Vivian Maier (fascinating documentary about an unassuming nanny whose lifelong obsession of taking stunning photographs of the most rundown people and places of New York only was discovered after her death), Wahlburgers- season 1 (So former novelty music acts turned successful actors Mark and Donnie Wahlberg [and some other non-famous Wahlberg brother] opened a burger restaurant? And people care about that? Enough that the increasingly-inaccurately named Arts & Entertainment network would make a reality show about it? That makes…sense? I guess? Anyway—enjoy!), The Other Woman (Three blonde women discover they’re all being betrayed by the same weaselly guy and set out for comical revenge in this comedy starring Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, and Kate Upton),Super Duper Alice Cooper (documentary about a particular makeup-wearing shock rocker. Nope, I’m not gonna tell you which one…)

New Arrivals on Blu-Ray This Week At Videoport: The Other Woman, Noah

Free parking at Videoport! The parking lot behind the building is free for customers after 5PM on weekdays and all days on the weekends. Also, we can get you a free hour of parking at any downtown parking garage (including the courthouse garage which is, like, a one minute walk away). Just ask for one of our magic stickers!

Get your movies duplicated at Videoport!

You know that Videoport copies DVDs and VHS tapes, right? Well we do! Now don’t try to get us to copy anything copyrighted—that’s against the law. That’s what “copyrighted” means. But home movies, stuff like that—bring ‘em in and get yourself some copies. They’re ten bucks apiece, we do ‘em fast, and you really should have extra copies of those secret surveillance tapes of that thing that you saw that time. You know—just in case you need to foil someone’s dastardly plot. Soo many movies would have been over that much more quickly of the heroes had made some copies at Videoport. So sad…


Buy your movies at Videoport!

(Instead of some stupid chain store or soulless, small-business-crippling website.) Yup, apart from the many previously viewed movies and TV shows on hand at Videoport, we can get you anything that’s currently in print. We don’t charge shipping (or that handling nonsense), and you can have it in your hands in a bout a week. Sure, said corporate behemoths might get it a bit cheaper (because of their concentrated, small-business-crippling evil), but Videoport gives you a free rental with every single movie you buy from us. Call that $3.50 off the price, call that a blow for the little guy—all it really means is you get your movie and make the world a liiiiiitle bit better at the same time.















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