VideoReport #385

Volume CCCLXXXV- New Year’s Evil

For the Week of 1/1/13

Videoport gives you a free rental every day of 2013. You know, like we have for the last 25 years. Still cool, though…

Middle Aisle Monday! Take a free rental from the Science Fiction, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Mystery/Thriller, Animation, or Staff Picks sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>>JackieO presents The top ten DVDs released in 2012, (that I actually saw):


cabininthewoods“Boardwalk Empire” seasons 1 & 2

Cabin in the Woods


The Guard

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

Mildred Pierce (HBO Miniseries)

Safety Not Guaranteed

“Sherlock” season 2

Take Shelter

(Fourteen more that almost made the cut):

Jeff Who Lives at Home

The Five-Year Engagement



The Ides of March

“Girls” season 1

“Key and Peele” season 1

“Portlandia” season 2

Shut Up, Little Man!



The Adventures of Tintin

“Misfits” season 1

The Avengers

Top five disappointments of 2012’s home video releases:

The Bourne Legacy

“Downton Abbey” season 2

“Torchwood: Miracle Day”

Tower Heist

The Woman in Black

Top ten movies released to home video in 2012 that I haven’t seen yet but which I bet are great and that I would have loved them:



In Darkness


The Man from London

Martha Marcy May Marlene

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

A Separation


The Skin I Live In

Tough and Triassic Tuesday! Give yourself a free rental from the Action or Classics section with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>> Dennis gives his picks for the best DVD releases of 2012 (that he got around to seeing):


1. The Cabin In the Woods

2. Jeff, Who Lives At Home

3. Moonrise Kingdom

4. Moneyball

5. Safety Not Guaranteed

6. Your Sister’s Sister

7. Drive

8. Tiny Furniture

9. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

10. God Bless America

11. The Avengers

12. Wanderlust

13. The Artist

14. The Innkeepers

15. Sleepwalk With Me

16. The Dark Knight Rises

17. The Queen of Versailles

18. And Everything Is Going Fine

19. 40 West

20. Coriolanus


1. ‘Louie’- season 2 (If you’re not watching this show, then to hell with you)

2. ‘Mad Men’- season 5 (People who say this was an off year are very, very dumb)

3. ‘Community’- season 3 (The fact that none of you watched this show and thus doomed it to extinction proves there is no god)

4. ‘Parks and Recreation’- season 4 (as trenchant a political satire as Network, all in the form of the funniest goofball sitcom of the year)

5. ‘Breaking Bad’- season 4

6. ‘Key & Peele’- season 1 (the best sketch comedy show in years; Jordan Peele may be the best comic actor on TV)

7. ‘Girls’- season 1 (it’s like Sex and the City- except not superficial, vapid, and apocalyptically irritating)

8. ‘30 Rock’- season 6 (an off year? That only gets it to #8)

9. Patton Oswalt- Finest Hour (funniest standup special of 2012)

10. ‘The League’- season 3 (improv-y, filthy, silly goodness)

11. ‘Children’s Hospital’- season 3 (quick-hit, completely bananas surrealist greatness)

12. ‘Psych’- season 6 (completely reliable buddy-comedy goodness)

13. ‘Bob’s Burgers’- season 1 (featuring the brilliantly-insane voice work of the great Jon Benjamin [Archer, Home Movies])

14. ‘Wilfred’- season 1 (wow-a guy and his imaginary talking dog pal- much better than Ted)

15. ‘Eagleheart’- season 1 (Chris Elliot is a typically weird Walker Texas Ranger manque)

Sooo disappointing.

The Devil Inside

Trouble With the Curve


Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows


The Campaign

Embarrassed I Haven’t Seen


Friends With Kids

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

Monsieur Lazhar

‘Homeland’- season 1


Wacky and Worldly Wednesday! You’ve got a free rental coming from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with any other paid rental! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>>Andy’s Top 10 DVDs of 2012

1.Mildred Pierce

2.The Skin I Live In

3.The Dark Knight Rises

4.Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

5.Into The Abyss

6.Martha Marcy May Marlene

7.The Avengers

8.Kill List


10.A Dangerous Method

Thrifty Thursday! Rent one, get a free rental from any other section in the store! OR Get any three non-new releases for seven days for seven bucks!

>>>Andy suggests The Holcroft Covenant (in Mystery/Thriller). I know everyone loves The Bourne Identity and its sequels, but don’t you think they aren’t cheesy enough? I mean, I just don’t feel that author Robert Ludlum is accurately represented by that hip, tasteful, well-made film series. If it’s the real Ludlum you want, give The Holcroft Covenant a try. It’s full of plot twists, Nazis, car chases, plot twists, dramatic encounters, incest, twisty plot twists, a musical score that sounds like my keyboard in demo mode, and some of the least convincing spies ever portrayed on film, spouting dialogue like, “a shootout in Trafalgar Square is something that just isn’t done.” You know that gem was ripped directly from Ludlum’s best-seller. Michael Caine plays Noel Holcroft, an American (sure) architect entrusted by his late Nazi father to oversee a four and a half billion dollar fund to make amends for the war crimes of WWII. He initially declines. “Sorry. I’m an architect, not a financial genius,” he says. But then he realizes that four and a half billion dollars is a lot of money and changes his mind, then spends the rest of the movie being chased by people who have also realized that four and a half billion dollars is a lot of money. Sure, it sounds like a simple story, but then there are plot twists! For fans of Michael Caine (or, as I heard a young man say in Videoport recently, “that guy who plays Austin Powers’ dad.”), Robert Ludlum, or just plain good cheesy filmmaking (from director John Frankenheimer, midway between Prophecy and The Island of Dr. Moreau, and a loooong way from The Manchurian Candidate), I’d recommend The Holcroft Covenant over The Bourne Identity any day. Happy New Year, Videoporters!

>>>Sam’s top 10 for 2012!

1. The Dark Knight Rises

2. The Skin I Live In

3. Gantz 2

4. Moonrise Kingdom

5. Drive

6. Headhunters

7. The Avengers

8. Haywire

9. Woody Allen (documentary)

10. Moneyball

Free Kids Friday! One free rental from the Kids section, no other rental necessary!

>>> Emily S. Customer gives you a dental-themed triple feature, starting with Finding Nemo. The fun-packed modern classic from Pixar features plenty of ocean adventures with sea turtles and sharks and wild currents, but a major chapter of the film — and a big chunk of Nemo’s voyage from over-protected to independent — comes when Nemo orchestrates a group escape from their pretty prison in the tropical fish tank in a dentist’s office. Judging from the sounds, a not-very-good dentist’s office. I’d wanna escape from there, too.

Having a Wild Weekend! Rent two movies, and get a third one for free from any section!

>>>For Saturday, Emily S. Customer’s dental triple feature continues with “30 Rock,” Anna Howard Shaw Day (ep 13) & Future Husband (ep 14), S4 disc 3 (?) It’s Valentine’s Day , and perennially single Liz Lemon is so single — and has been so loud and so smug about not needing anyone, not anyone, do you hear that, happy couples of the world?!? — that she can’t even find anyone to escort her home from the oral surgeon’s. Don’t try to find your way home alone. Those drugs make ya pretty loopy. How loopy? (I’m so glad you asked. Thanks for the set-up, imaginary reader!) So loopy that when Liz recovers from the anesthesia, she’s confused to find a new number in her phone designated only as “future husband.” Who is this mystery date? Is he going to be a dream or a dud? Oh, BLERG. Mad Men, “The Phantom.” [This Season 5 finale review contains major Season 1 SPOILERS.] Don Draper has a hot tooth. It aches so badly that he can’t eat — not even an omelet. He can barely kiss his loving wife goodbye as he leaves for work. He can’t keep his mind on his business. Don Draper has a hot tooth and it’s all he can do to nurse it with plenty of rye and pretend it’s going to get better on its own. “It’ll go away,” he says staunchly. “It always does.” Yup, and then it always comes back, throbbing twice as hard until it’s all you can think about. Don’s toothache is a metaphor for all the secret sorrows in his life: for the all-consuming, panic-inducing criminal secret he’s still trying to ignore, even as he lets it slip out bit by bit to the people around him; for the lifelong suffering visited upon him by an abusive and grindingly poor childhood; his own disaffected drive for ambition; for the untapped well of sorrow for his brother’s death and the new wave of undeserved but keenly felt guilt he’s shouldering for another more recent — and harrowingly similar — death close to home. These long-ignored sources of dis-ease keep throbbing and disrupting his daily pleasures and triumphs. They won’t go away on their own, not for long. Don Draper has a hot tooth, and it is finally time to stop ignoring it and get it taken care of.

Editor’s Note: In case you mugs haven’t figured it out, the lovely Ms. S Customer is also the lovely Mrs. S. Editor and, just maybe, her dental obsession this week stems from her concern that your editor was paying all his money to have defective teeth ripped out of his face. All thanks to her, and to the rest of the Videoport gang for submitting lists and reviews this week, so that Mr. Editor wasn’t faced with the prospect of painkiller-hazy writing this week. And, hey, you don’t have to wait for me to have a drug-induced medical emergency to send in your submissions to the VideoReport! Send ‘em to or our Facebook page Videoport Jones!

>>>For Sunday, Emily S. Customer suggests an unlikely double-feature: any of the Nolan Batman trilogy and Mary Harron’s American Psycho. You’re getting a double dose of Christian Bale living double lives. As you watch their big bland metropolitan homes, the polished emptiness of their social whirl, the ease with which they slip from blank chatter into the dark brutishness of their secret identities, it becomes weirdly easy to imagine that Bateman, the sadistic butcher, is just a few quirks of fate away from Batman, the stern vigilante.

>>>April says watch Kalifornia (in Mystery/Thriller.) It’s a pretty fun movie about a city couple who team up with some crazy country people on a road trip. Horrible stuff happens. Brad Pitt is great as crazy murderous country weirdo. It’s also got a pretty okay David Duchovny and the always awesome Juliette Lewis.

New Releases this week at Videoport: Cosmopolis (sure, it’s about that Twilight dude riding around in a limo for a few hours, but the combination of writer Don DeLillo and director David Cronenberg more than makes up for things in this visually stunning adaptation of DeLilo’s novel about a slicky-boy financial genius spending the day he’s gambled all his company’s money in the stock market riding around doing all manner of sleazy things you can do in a luxury car), Little Birds (two fifteen year old girls living in the dilapidated former tourist trap the Salton Sea decide to follow a group of rebellious teenaged boys from LA in this indie coming-of-age drama), Looper (director Rian Johnson reteams with his Brick leading man, the very cool Joseph Gordon-Levitt in this universally praised sci fi action flick about a mob hitman from the past [or future] sent to the future [or past] on one last mission…to assassinate his older self, played by Bruce Willis. Twist!!), The Well Digger’s Daughter (French acting legend Daniel Auteuil [Manon of the Spring, Jean de Florette] writes, directs, and stars in this WWII drama about a loyal father trying to protect his family), The Good Doctor (Orlando Bloom stars as the creepiest of all doctors in this drama about a, well, creepy doctor who will go to any length to ensure that his favorite patient, a young woman with kidney disease, will stay under his creepy care), ‘Justified’- season 3 (Timothy Olyphant continues to scowl his way through the sleaziest bad guys the southland has to offer in this very good modern day cowboy cop series), ‘Tosh.0- Deep Vs’ (more comedy stylings from everyone’s favorite rape joke enthusiast), ‘The Legend of Neil’- the complete series (geek goddess Felicia Day [Dr. Horrible’s Singalong Blog] costars in this webseries about a slacker-type who gets sucked into the world of the Legend of Zelda video games)

New Releases on Blu Ray this week at Videoport: Cosmopolis

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