Videoport Explains How to Make Every Movie Better

1. Everybody in the cast speaks in a Groundskeeper Willy-grade Scottish accent.

2. Voice-over by Morgan Freeman (“I remember the day we dug up the Encino Man…”)

3. Fart sound effects during any kissing scene.

4. Monster sings ‘Puttin’ on the Ritz’.

5. Replace Halle Berry with Angela Bassett.

6. Hell, Angela Bassett in every movie.

7. Replace Tom Hanks with Paul Giamatti.

8. Replace Keanu Reeves with a cardboard cutout of Steve McQueen.

9. All movies must contain one monkey or one professional wrestler.

10. Being paid to watch it.

11. Will Smith saying “Hell, no…” every twelve minutes.

12. Full frontal nudity, duh.

13. Odorama.

14. DVD commentary by Kevin Smith and/or John Waters.

15. Luiz Guzman/rocket launcher (either/or).

16. Someone hides by bury him/herself in mud.

17. Nic Cage eats a roach.

18. Eddie Murphy (1980s-era Eddie only).

19. Replace all  ‘s’s in the title with ‘z’s.

20. Male protagonist in drag for at least five scenes.

21. Tom Servo in audiences.

22. Talking babies.

23. Complete ban on the word ‘awesome’.

24. Mr. T as the bearded lady.

25. Score by Toto.

26.  Every curse word replaced with ‘Peaches!’

27. All cops wear clown noses; all crooks talk in a Nixon voice.

28. Less talk; more rock.

29. At least one scene where someone yells, “Don’t you do it!  Don’t you do it!” a la Ben Affleck in Armageddon.

30. A computer-genrated Lee Marvin beats the crap out of the pretty boy action star for 45 minutes.

31. Two words: Captain Ron

32. It was all just a dream…or was it?!!?

33.  The woman must be at least ten years older than her romantic male costar.

34. Alternate audio track on DVD consisting entirely of faux-Slavic gibberish.

35. Danny Noonan’s ball goes into the hole; gopher dances.

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Published in: on June 18, 2009 at 12:13 pm  Leave a Comment  
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