Next to Godliness: our DVDs, your fingers, and you…
Some tips for an uninterrupted movie experience from your friends at Videoport:
1. Never, ever, nerver, never, nuvenvan, vevervevry, ever, nevanev, never touch the shiny side of a DVD. I genuinely don’t know how much more strenuously I can emphasize this point.
2. Don’t let little Jimmy put the disc in the machine. Children are cute, but they are like little insane monkeys; plus they like to touch shiny things, and gooey, disgusting things. See where that equation is heading…?
3. Don’t leave a DVD out of its case, even for a moment. Dust, spilled mango juice, dog drool, insane monkeys…all of these things are just out there, menacing. Please put a DVD securely back in its protective case immediately after taking it out of your machine.
4. Oh, and speaking of your machine, please take a clean cloth to the little tray where the DVD sits (or the cup holder, if you will); any stray piece of grit sitting in there will, when the disc begins to spin, gouge our precious, virgin, DVD’s like a brat teenager in a parking lot with a jagged car key.
5. Never touch the shiny side of a DVD. I know I said this already, but you’d be driven into a Hulk-style fury if you saw the number of discs returned to your average movie store (or, in Videoport’s case, way above-average) with greasy fingerprints on the shiny side. See, one fingerprint is all it takes for the average DVD player to freak out, causing freezing, skipping, and evening-ruining.
6. If the aforementioned freak out does occur, don’t you, yourself, freak out. Most often, problems in playing can be fixed by the use of a clean, (and I mean CLEAN) cotton cloth (or even one of the specially-made DVD cleaner cloths for sale at a reasonable price here at Videoport). Just start at the center of the shiny side, and work out, like bicycle spokes, from there, wiping gently away any fingerprints, smudges, or monkey-marks. PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT use a home buffer (grinder/mangler) on our discs as a. they are not yours and b. they are cheap, terribly made pieces of Chinese junk and do more damage than good. And, PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, do not use any of the witch doctor cures suggested by the local old wives (like toothpaste, peanut butter, vodka, spackle, of windshield washer fluid) as a. they don’t work and will destroy our discs and b. they are completely insane.
7. Get a real DVD player. Computers and video game systems (but especially computers) are notoriously twitchy. They’re gonna reject a lot of DVDs that even the cheapest DVD player will play just fine. Seriously- they’re cheap and they’ll save all of us a lot of hassle.
8. If none of these suggestions work, and your DVD still isn’t working properly, then please return it to us. We’ll credit your account for the rental, check the disc out (using our own, expensive, well made and maintained buffer machine if necessary), and take care of the problem. We’ll also apologize for the inconvenience and, perhaps, Andy will do a little apology dance for you. Remember, we are in this together, and if we work at it as a movie-lovin’ team, then it’ll all be okay.