*(From the long-ago VideoReport issue #100; issue 200 comes out next week!)
In honor of historic VideoReport issue #100, the staff, contributors, and customers of Videoport bring you: The 100 Greatest Things About Videoport!
1. Decorated for Halloween 365 days a year.
2. Treats for your canine best friend.
3. The same treats for your toddlers, if they’re not fussy eaters.
4. Gimme Gimme Octopus!
5. Phantasm III clock lets you know what time it is in the Tall Man’s dimension.
6. Had Ali G before he had an HBO series.
7. No stinkin’ badgers.
8. We encourage you to participate in our debates about Dracula vs. the Wolfman in a street fight.
9. One time, Jackie found a nickel bag while sweeping under the shelves in the adult section…then promptly notified the police.
10. This one time, we were invited to a private party with Tenacious D and Weezer, but didn’t find out about it ‘til the next day.
11. Open during nor’easters, so masochists can still run an errand.
12. We have and entrance and an exit for your convenience.
13. Videoport keeps all your dirty secrets, and not just because federal privacy laws require us to.
14. Most employees are currently in committed relationships, ensuring that their movie recommendations are intended for your viewing pleasure, and not to get into your pants.
15. All out tattoos, when lined up, spell out the location of the Jade Monkey.
16. Our bags are returnable and reusable.
17. Our clerks are merely reusable.
18. Currently riding a 7-year Chairman of the Board-less streak.
19. Everyone who’s ever shoplifted from us has, by now, succumbed to the Videoport Curse. Bwahh-haa-haaaaaa!!!
20. If a movie sucks, we will tell you…unless you suck.
21. We pledge to never screech show tunes at you. Never.
22. All of Pedro Amodovar’s movies.
23. Bruce Campbell…yeah, we know Bruce Campbell…
24. We count back your change the old fashioned way. Don’t you miss that?
25. We protect you from zombies.
26. We’ve still got that one really filthy movie. You know the one…
27. By Videoport law, anyone spoiling the ending to a movie spends a night in the box.
28. Next year, Videoport will be old enough to drink.
29. Best 8 track collection in Portland.
30. Pull out the secret movie to spin the bookcase, revealing DavidT’s secret laboratory.
31. We wave and make faces at your baby, in a good way.
32. We do the same at your grandma, in a different way…
33. We’d take Something Weird Video’s back catalog over Dreamworks’ any day.
34. Independent and locally owned, baby.
35. Ask Sam about the world’s greatest Wallace Shawn impression.
36. The Criterion Collection has its own section at Videoport.
37. Videoport will get you free parking at any downtown garage.
38. We’ve got over 40 Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes.
39. Two copies of Shag: The Movie!
40. We keep The Butterfly Effect and The Butterfly Effect 2 in separate sections, and we think that makes sense.
41. You look like someone famous, and we’re not too shy to tell you.
42. We used to deliver.
43. A free rental with every purchase…none too shabby.
44. The cool, logical mien of the Mr. Spock cutout will calm you, even in the midst of the most difficult movie choices.
45. Stand in the Videoport Mystery Spot…if you dare!
46. No…you look really good under fluorescent lights…
47. Our staff: cannibal-free, since 93!
48. We really love movies.
49. April has a Tank Girl tattoo.
50. We have this recurring fantasy about challenging the CEOs of Blockbuster, Hollywood Video, Netflix and Mark Cuban in a televised movie knowledge quiz…and making them cry.
51. One of us is related to Hollywood royalty.
52. We’ve got 34 Akira Kurosawa movies, 7 by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, know they’re not related, and know which one is better.
53. We know all the films that will make you want to hurl.
54. Dennis’s Eastern European universal dog impersonations.
56. The wide selection of Van Damme straight to DVD choices at your fingertips.
57. If there’s ever an apocalypse we have a perfect basement bunker with plenty of Mr. Squid, Spam, and Andy to eat to survive.
58. When you say, “I wanna see that movie about that guy with the thing…you know, the thing”, they do know.
59. With the uniquely personalized service (and uniquely personable staff) at Videoport, your next visit might just be the day: you meet that handsome videoguy or videogirl, fall in love, live together happily ever after, and…. CA-CHING! FREE MOVIES FOR LIFE.
60. Videoport has apparently instituted a policy of hiring only blues legends in training, redundantly-named little Dutch boys, and Andys.
61. Mortal enemies of the Net Nanny.
62. In the face of all human logic, we still have Jailbait Babysitter on VHS.
63. We’ve never been the subject of a class action lawsuit because of our fraudulent “no late fees” claims or deceptive membership policies. Yeah, integrity…look it up boys.
64. A customer once told me, “you’re an asset to this place. You’re smart…but you’re not slick.”
65. We have The Host, the greatest monster movie since Jaws.
66. When someone accidentally asks for the Billy Bob Thornton movie by saying, “Do you have Monster Balls?”, we successfully keep from laughing almost 50% of the time.
67. Videoport has a Bollywood section, a British Comedy section, an “Assorted Asian Exploitation” section, and an Incredibly Strange Section…or did we just blow your mind?!?
68. Their clerks have that delicious aroma of coffee, tobacco, and clicky plastic.
69. Modesty is for jerks.
70. Our Tommy Lee Jones standee cries tears of blood.
71. We don’t call Sam “brother”, and neither should you.
72. Every Friday, you can just get your kid a free children’s movie, no other rental necessary, no questions asked.
73. Regan’s fave adult title, Every Nerd’s Big Boob Boat Butt Ride.
74. Unsubtitled Turkish, copyright-violating Hollywood knockoffs? Yeah, we’ve got ‘em.
75. An owner who cares about movies as something other than a means to pad his pockets, who cares about his employees and his customers, and who fights the good fight, every day.
76. Internet Movie Database for everyone!
77. In-house Shakespeare expert who also knows about zombie movies. Beat that…
78. As proven by proximity to Bull Moose and Casablanca Comics, Videoport is the vector between geeky and cool.
79. Like Crispin Glover, we’re strong! We can kick!
80. Walken, Walken, Walken!
81. Two Dennises, no waiting.
82. Our theft-protection device also cleanses your aura.
83. Our back room? Actually a robot warehouse.
84. Two payment plans: Plan “A” gets you 5 free bucks, Plan “B” gets you 10 free bucks. Seriously, just ask.
85. The VideoReport, Videoport’s weekly newsletter, gives Videoport customers the chance to write reviews of their favorite, or least favorite, films. Write to us at email@example.com. (psst, you’re reading it now).
86. The VideoReport is online on Myspace; check us out at “Videoport Jones.”
87. Pam Grier is all over Videoport!
88. Try and find the movies autographed by David Byrne, 2 dudes from Wilco, Dave Attel, Lewis Black, and that guy who directed North Shore.
89. No fewer than 3 Ramones documentaries.
90. Movie recommending acumen bordering on the psychic.
91. The best foreign film section in the world, pretty much.
92. At night, the H.R. Pufnstuf figurine tidies up, and possibly does other things we’ve decided not to ask about.
93. Videoport currently owns 51 of the films in IMDb.com’s “Bottom 100” movies of all time. Enjoy!
94. They’ll flip you. Flip you for real…
95. They know the answers to Who Killed Roger Rabbit?, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, What About Bob?, Why Does Herr R. Run Amok?, Why Did Bodhi-Dharma Leave for the East?, and Why Do Fools Fall In Love?
96. Former Videoporter Jeremy’s movie column in our ad in the Portland Phoenix every week is easily the best thing in the paper.
97. Portland’s favorite sons John Ford and Judd Nelson are well represented in our collection.
98. They’re made of candy!
99. Lucky for their clerks, “chatting about movies” constitutes “work.”
and 100. You, our customers. (awwwww).
For 100 straight weeks, the Videoport community of employees, employers, and customers has taken the time and spent the effort to contribute their humor, their enthusiasm, and their love of movies to the VideoReport by writing essays, movie reviews, artwork, the occasional haiku, lists, and pretty much anything they thought would lend itself to this enterprise. The editors would like, in all seriousness, to thank you all. Videoport is a unique and special place where those of us who love movies can gather, shoot the breeze, and watch great films together. Thanks for writing, thanks for reading, and here’s to the next thousand issues. Peace.