VideoReport #308

Volume CCCVIII- From Russia with C.H.U.D.

For the Week of 7/12/11

Did we mention "weird"?

Videoport.   As you walk its aisles, you

All the movies. All the movies of your whole life...

walk through movie history. The best, the worst, and the weirdest. The favorites from your childhood and what’ll be the favorites of your old age. All right here, just waiting for you…

Middle Aisle Monday. (Get one free rental from the Sci-Fi, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Mystery/Thriller, Animation or Staff Picks sections with your paid rental.)

>>>Elsa S. Customer suggests The House of Yes (in Incredibly Strange.) Marty Pascal is coming home from college for Thanksgiving, and his twin sister Jacqueline (Parker Posey) is so excited to see him! So very excited. Unnervingly and weirdly excited, even. This is the edgiest of dramatic comedies, or the most unnerving of comedic dramas, and it’s Parker Posey’s extraordinary performance that balances House of Yeson that knife’s edge. Brittle, witty, all-too-excitable Jacqueline (known to her family as Jackie-O* for reasons that become excruciatingly clear) is hemmed in and guarded by her deep-in-denial mother (Genevieve Bujold, all unravelling

Our JackieO will rarely pull a piece on you.

glamour and shrugging fatalism) and adoring younger brother Anthony (Freddy Prinze, Jr, perfectly puppyish in his desire to please), but that’s not enough to keep her from delivering some sardonic jabs to Lesly, Marty’s new girlfriend. No matter how uncomfortable Jacqueline makes them, they can’t refuse to spend the night: an attack of politeness hems them in just as effectively as the sudden storm that springs up. Anyway, as Jackie-O reprovingly reminds Marty: “Anthony went out and bought a jacket and I went to a lot of trouble to get sane, so you can’t just leave.”

*Editor’s note: Videoport’s own JackieO is significantly less crazy than Parkey Posey’s Jackie-O. 16-17% less crazy…

Tough and Triassic Tuesday. (Get one free rental from the Action or Classics sections with your paid rental.)

>>> Dennis suggests Take the Money and Run (in Classics.) Here are Woody Allen’s favorite Woody Allen movies (from a recent interview): The Purple Rose of Cairo, Match Point, Bullets Over Broadway, Husbands and Wives, and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Yeah, read that list again. Sigh. Look, I’m a Woody fan from my childhood as a tiny, nerdy movie/comedy geek. Once I discovered Woody’s early movies, like Annie Hall, Sleeper, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask,

Comedy, schmomedy...

Manhattan, Love & Death, Bananas, and What’s Up Tiger Lily?, my tiny little geeky mind was blown with comedic possibilities heretofore unimagined. And once the Woodman started to branch out, I followed him, all the way from Hannah and Her Sisters, Another Woman, September…hell, I even sort of liked Interiors. And I like some of the movies on Woody’s recent list, but seriously- this is the list of the five favorite Woody Allen movies of a guy I would never want to talk about Woody Allen movies with. Or hang out with. Sigh. I mean, Purple Rose- fine. A little maudlin, but fine. And Bullets-pretty funny stuff, with good work from John Cusack, Mary Louise Parker, and Chazz Palminteiri. Match Point- possibly his most overrated film, revealing his increasing inability to write dialogue that sounds like humans talk. Husbands and Wives-

But, you ARE comedy, Woody...

sure, pretty solid drama, and sadly resonant, all things considered. Vicky- it’s fine (thanks to Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz.) But, as a Woody consumer, and a fan of things that are, you know, fun- this list just pisses me off; it’s like he’s completely disowning everything he ever did that meant something to me. So I’m going back almost to the beginning, with this, Woody’s 1969 goofball second directorial effort. It’s the faux-documentary about Virgil Starkwell (Woody), a runty little misfit who drifts into a life of crime as the world’s most inept bank robber. It’s a string of completely silly and absurd gags (Virgil playing the cello in a marching band [think about it], Virgil attempting an escape while chained to an entire chain gang, Virgil getting caught while arguing with a teller about the handwriting on his stickup note, Virgil being fed hard boiled eggs minced through the prison screen by his long-suffering girlfriend, and on and on…) It’s just a delightful, wacky, completely-inventive delight that can still give me the giggles. And make me happy. I’d take a ramshackle, gleefully-silly flick like this over any of the five movies grumpy old Woody cites as his most representative films any day.

Wacky and Worldly Wednesday. (Get one free rental from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with your paid rental…OR…get 4 movies for 7 days for 7 bucks!)

>>> Anime Ed suggests Cutie Honey (in Made in Japan.) Hmmm..how is this movie? Only FREAKIN’ AWESOME! Seriously, one of the most entertaining, fun flicks I’ve seen in a long while. Imagine Hausu/House (in the Criterion Collection), Big Trouble in Little China (in Action/Adventure), Ultraman, and Big Man Japan (also in Made in Japan) thrown into a blender and mixed with a bunch of psychedelics, and out comes this movie. Rent it, watch it, and bask in the sheer genius insanity of it all. BANZAI!!

Thrifty Thursday. (Get one free movie from any section with your paid rental.)

>>>Andy suggests Double Take (in the Incredibly Strange section). This fun movie is a must-see for any fan of Alfred Hitchcock who has devoured all of his features, TV episodes, biographies, and interviews. Double Takeis a documentary, and it’s a work of fiction… well, it’s a fictional documentary that definitely

If you find your double, kill him...

belongs in Videoport’s Incredibly Strange section (in fact, Mondo Hitchcock would be a good title for this one). This is a compilation of Sir Alfred’s television appearances and movie trailers (Hitchcock was deeply, and hilariously, involved in his own promotion) blended together with unrelated late ’50s/early ’60s news clips, stock footage, and commercials. At first it seems randomly assembled, but then themes emerge, and a continuing story, seemingly narrated by Hitchcock himself, is told. There are intriguing juxtapositions: cold war propaganda and 9/11 imagery, space race news updates and coffee commercials, and banal scenes of America’s domestic life set to dramatic Bernard Herrman music. Double Take is a Hitchcockian story about the great director himself meeting his own doppelganger in the year 1963, and a documentary about a real-life lookalike. I think the real Hitchcock would have enjoyed this movie, since it’s so playful in it’s storytelling; it’s telling a pretty cool story while revealing, as it’s being told, exactly how the story is being faked! Also, Double Take is a time capsule, edited afterwards by a clever artist to make the point that a lot has changed over the last fifty years, namely… nothing (keep watching through the end credits if you want this point hammered over your head). There’s a lot of fun to be had here, and there’s a great bonus feature, too: an 18-minute audio interview of Karen Black (star of Family Plot) by director Johan Grimonprez. And remember, “they say that if you meet your double, you should kill him, or that he will kill you.”

Free Kids Friday. (Get one free rental from the Children’s or Family sections, no other rental necessary).

>>>Elsa S. Customer suggests Cinderella. Remember, girls: just wait around and be pretty, and a boy will come along to save you from your dreary life! Okay, enough snark. Disney’s Cinderella is a great childhood favorite, so let’s try something constructive: use the film’s less-than-fantastic messages as a jumping-off point for a teachable moment. Waiting around passively [spoiler alert!] worked out okay for Cinderella, but see if your child can brainstorm some other, more active strategies that good ole ‘Ella could have used to escape her oppressive home life, some sort of coping skills that don’t rely on a magical mentor and a handsome prince. Or you can flip the idea on its head and look at Cinderella as a karmic fable: good, kind people who persevere in adversity will be rewarded with a wonderful life. Either way, you’re helping your child learn to engage actively and thoughtfully with the ideas disseminated in popular culture, not to swallow them whole.

Having a Wild Weekend. (Rent two, get your third movie for free from any section on Saturday and Sunday.)

>>>For Saturday, Regan suggests Wah Do Dem (in Feature Drama.) (Temp: 86 degrees outside. 83 degrees inside.) This is about this kid Max who goes on a cruise to Jamaica and a buncha schitz happens to him. I treat hot weather like Storm Center told me. Bad things would happen if I try to leave the house. But I do so enjoy a hot weather movie. As Max is underwater looking at fishy, rocky things, I think about how I would need goggles on account of the contact lenses. That would be too much of a hassle. So I’d better stay in. Shades drawn. Fans a-blowin’. And movies a-plenty. I like this one. Johnny Depp should watch it and remember when he used to make movies that don’t suck taint.

>>>For Sunday, April suggests Lucky (in Documentary.) My mind know the odds of me winning the lottery are terrible, but I just keep ignoring it. I usually stick to easy picks since more people win that way, at least that’s what I learned while watching Lucky. I kinda hope I’ll win just so I can rub it in Andy’s face and then take him to the Grand Canyon like I promised I’d do if I won. (He didn’t want to go to the Harry Potter theme park like I thought he would.)

>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests Devil (in Mystery/Thriller.) It’s a simple premise, and by “simple,” I guess I mean “dumb”: five strangers get stuck in an elevator and one of them is — duh duh DUH — THE DEVIL. Or, I dunno, a devil. Whatevs. While the very silly movie unreeled its nonsense, we amused ourselves by hollering out alternate titles. (“Devil-vator!” “Elevator of Doom!” “Twistevator!” “Elevator Pitch!”) But I’ll admit: I was partly won over, almost entirely thanks to the marvelous Chris Messina’s performance as an embittered detective watching the captive victims over CCTV; Messina takes his part more seriously than this film deserves and comes close to redeeming the film, tipping it over from not-very-bad to reasonably-entertaining-and-gripping.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo,

           The Girl Who Played with Fire,

                    & The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest…

…and now the next installment in Stieg Larsson’s Millennium Trilogy is…

-The Girl Who Ran the Yellow Light

-The Girl Who Filed Her Taxes Late

-The Girl Who Cut the Tag Off the Mattress

-The Girl Who Didn’t Fully Cook Her Chicken

-The Girl Who Stuck a Fork in the Toaster

-The Girl Who Ran with Scissors

-The Girl Who Let the Right One In

-The Girl Who Didn’t Signal When She Turns

-The Girl Who Drank Beer before Liquor

-The Girl Who Hung Out at Phil Spector’s House

-The Girl Who Mixed Pop Rocks and Coke

-The Girl Who Went Swimming 49 Minutes after Eating

-The Girl Who Didn’t Use Sunscreen

-The Girl Who Ordered the Fish on Sunday

-The Girl Who Tugged on Superman’s Cape

-The Girl Who Smacked a Wolf in the Face

-The Girl Who Punched a Scorpion

-The Girl Who Tickled a Tarantula

-The Girl Who Tap-Danced on the Bear Den

-The Girl Who Poked a Puma

-The Girl Who Played “Got Your Nose” with a Wombat

-The Girl Who Mentioned Netflix to Regan

New Releases this week at Videoport: Rango (Johnny Depp lends his lucrative voice to this animated Western adventure comedy about a meek city lizard forced to become a desert town’s gunslinging hero; costarring the slightly-less box-office, and yet perhaps more talented, pipes of the likes of Timothy Olyphant, Ray Winstone, Bill Nighy, Alfred Molina, Ned Beatty, and Harry Dean Stanton), The Lincoln Lawyer (Matthew McConaughey, presumably keeping his shirt on for a change, got some decent reviews as the titular slicky-boy defense attorney [who operates out of his car for some reason] who gets a case that suggests that the legal system may not be entirely fair…), ‘Entourage’- season 7 (the further adventures of a quartet of Hollywood hangers-on…), ‘Damages’- season 3 (Glenn Close and ‘Bridesmaids” Rose Byre are back as a pair of warring lawyers in this deliciously-deviant series; look for great additions to the cast this year- Lily Tomlin, Campbell Scott, and Martin Short), Insidious (hey, Rose Byrne is back! This time, she’s a mom of three whose move to her new dream house results in some seriously-creepy stuff; this low-budget horror thriller actually got some good reviews- a serious rarity in the horror genre), Arthur(I don’t suppose we really needed a remake of the already-quite-funny-

Dudly Moore and John Gielgud did NOT have this weird sexual energy, I don't care what you say...

thank-you Dudley Moore comedy about an alcoholic millionaire manchild, but Russell Brand seems born to take the role on, and casting Helen Mirren in the John Gielgud role of Arthur’s long-suffering, snarky butler is a genius move), ‘MI-5′- volume 9 (fans of gritty British spy shenanigans rejoice, as this series Bonds on…), Robot Chicken- Star Wars III (Seth Green and his toybox just can’t leave George Lucas alone, thankfully), Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives (because Videoport customers are so cool, this Thai film, about a man visited by his dead wife [in the form of a ghost] and his dead son [seemingly in the form of a sasquatch] and which won the big prizes at this year’s Cannes film festival, has been one of the most requested movies of late; we love you guys…), Miral (painter-turned-director Julian Schnabel has made three movies previously [Basquiat, Before Night Falls, and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly], and they’re all brilliant; this one, a controversial, Palenstinian take on the birth of Israel told through the eyes of a teenage girl [Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto] has divided people- which probably means it’s challenging, smart, and avoids easy answers…), Brother’s Justice (Dax Shepard directs and stars in this mockumentary about the usually-goofy comic actor deciding to pitch his semi-successful comedy career [see Baby Mama, Without a Paddle, Idiocracy] in order to pursue his dream of being a martial

Dax Shepard does NOT know karate.

arts action star…despite the fact that he has no idea how to fight; it’s semi-improvised, with cameos from Bradley Cooper, David Koechner, Tom Arnold, Jon Favreau and others- it’s actually pretty funny.)

New Arrivals this week at Videoport: WWE Summerslam: Hogan vs. Michaels (Videoport brings in this 2005 rasslin’ spectacular with one of the greatest physical wrestlers of all time taking on the most overhyped, one-note megastar in wrestling history.)

New Arrivals on Blu-Ray: Rango, The Lincoln Lawyer, Arthur, Insidious.

Here’s how you save some money at Videoport:

Videoport’s pre-payment plans get you free money just for renting here. If you pre-pay $20 on your account, we give you $25 worth of rental credit. And $30 buys you $40 worth. It’s the smart thing to do…

VideoReport #203

Volume CCIII- I Married A Mothra From Outer Space
For the week of 7/07/09
Videoport pledges to give you a free movie every day, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.
Middle Aisle Monday. (Get one free rental from the Sci-Fi, Horror, Incredibly Strange, Mystery/Thriller, Animation or Staff Picks sections with your paid rental.)
>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ season six, episode 16: Hell’s Bells (in Horror). As their wedding approaches, Xander and Anya find their already fraying tempers tested further by frictions between the factions: Xander’s boisterous, dipsomaniac family doesn’t mix well with Anya’s, um, “circus folk.” When an avuncular guest promises Xander a vision of his future life, the tension spirals higher. Wedding lesson learned: proper vows avoid the phrase “sex poodle.”
>>> While you’re in the Middle Aisle, also pick up ‘Angel’ season one, episode 7, “Bachelor Party.” Angel’s hard-drinking demon cohort Doyle (Glenn Quinn) gets a surprise visit from his long-lost wife; she wants a no-fault divorce and his blessing to marry a new fella. The new fiancé (Whedon triple-threat Carlos Jacott) seems genial enough, a big harmless goof, but in the world of Whedon, nothing is ever quite that simple. Uh, is it? Watch and see!
Tough and Triassic Tuesday. (Get one free rental from the Action or Classics sections with your paid rental.)
>>>Elsa S. Customer suggests The Philadelphia Story (in Classics). On the eve of socialite Tracy Samantha Lord’s (Katherine Hepburn’s) wedding, a tabloid sends a reluctant reporter (James Stewart) and photographer (Ruth Hussey) to stay at the Lords’ estate, passing themselves off as family friends. Tracy’s ex-husband, C.K. Dexter Haven (Cary Grant), is unwillingly pressed into serv ice, helping them infiltrate the upper-class shindig. What follows, of course, is a romantic roundelay of hesitant flirtations, frustrations, and misunderstandings, all punctuated with unwieldy pronouncements about the meaning of love and the role of a wife. Aptly described and decried by your editor as “a feminist spanking machine” and loaded with classist presumptions to boot, The Philadelphia Story manages to retain a luster of glamour and intelligence despite its obvious flaws, and remains one of the classic products of Old Hollywood. It brought Stewart a well-deserved Oscar, and redeemed Hepburn from her recently won label of Box Office Poison.
Wacky and Worldly Wednesday. (Get one free rental from the Comedy or Foreign Language sections with your paid rental.)
>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests My Best Friend’s Wedding (in Comedy). In this neo-screwball comedy, Julia Roberts plays Julianne, a seemingly sane person who nonetheless realizes just days before the wedding of her best friend (Dermot Mulrooney) that she is truly, madly, deeply in love with him. Well, madly, anyhow. She determines to ruin his apparently very happy relationship with his utterly delightful bride-to-be (played with giddy good spirits by Cameron Diaz, perhaps the most winning she’s ever been onscreen), and engages in machinations both embarrassing and venal, scheming with unnerving zeal to destroy the future of two blissfully happy people. It’s hard to turn a film about a legitimately terrifying series of psychotic behaviors into an endearing comedy, but somehow writer-director P.J. Hogan (Muriel’s Wedding) pulls it off. The performances are note-perfect, and the Burt Bacharach soundtrack (often sung by characters within the film) brings a lovely, hazy sense of pop through the whole affair.
Thrifty Thursday. (Get one free movie from any section with your paid rental.)
>>> Elsa S. Customer suggests Muriel’s Wedding (in Drama). It’s a coming-of-age story mixed with the tale of the ugly duckling: garish, ungainly Muriel (Toni Collette) takes off from her provincial home town, makes friends with a zany, saucy party girl (Rachel Griffiths), and spends her free time daydreaming about getting married. All this action takes place against a peppy background of ABBA songs. Sounds larky and light, eh? Think again: Muriel’s Wedding is a dark story spiked with bursts of hilarious high spirits, mixing sharp mockery with real empathy for the very characters it skewers.
Free Kids Friday. (Get one free rental from the Children’s or Family sections, no other rental necessary).
>>> Elsa S. customer suggests The Looney Tunes Golden Collection. Videoport has a whole lotta Disney films in which pretty pretty princesses and blandly handsome princes get hitched, but for sheer exuberance and joy, I’m suggesting Rabbit of Seville from the Looney Toons Golden Collection. Bugs Bunny’s usual antics get amped up by Rossini’s overture to Barber of Seville, as Bugs outpaces, outwits, and outlasts Elmer Fudd in a quasi-operatic charade. this short features several of the great moments in Looney Toons history, including Bugs’ masquerade as a barber (The Barber of Seville, natch!), the quick-step arms-race gag where Elmer and Bugs chase each other with a rapidly escalating arsenal, and finally the Marriage of Figaro sequence, with the balding blushing bride all gussied up.
Having a Wild Weekend. (Rent two, get your third movie for free from any section on Saturday and Sunday.)
>>>For Saturday, Elsa S. Customer suggests “The Office,’ season three, episode 15: Phyllis’s Wedding. In a daring bid to get an extended honeymoon vacation, Phyllis offers Michael a place in her wedding party, with predictably cringe-worthy results. Pam, attending solo, finds the details of Phyllis and Bob’s wedding eerily familiar, right down to the floral arrangements and the ribbons emblazoned with the initials P & R. While his girlfriend Karen enjoys the reception (and the soothing tunes of Scrantonicity), Jim hypothesizes to the camera about a purely hypothetical romance with Pam, but just hypothetical, you understand. What part of hypothetical don’t you understand?
>>>For Sunday, Elsa S. Customer recommends Last Chance Harvey (in Drama). Harvey (Dustin Hoffman) is in London for his daughter’s wedding*, hosted by his ex-wife and her husband (Kathy Baker and James Brolin). Daunted by the prospect of attending stag, he picks up a reluctant stranger (Emma Thompson) and persuades her to attend with him. I’ll admit it at the outset: this little comedy does not showcase the greatness of Hoffman and Thompson. On reflection, that may be exactly what I like about it: it’s a small piece, a trifle, a playground where they gently exercise their great talents and explore their on-screen chemistry (seen briefly in Stranger than Fiction) without delving beyond poignancy to pathos. It’s a treat to see fully grown adults on a movie screen: their faces lined, cloaked, and hesitant. These people know that they’ve hemmed in their lives with their own fears and hesitations, and seeing these emotions play out in restraint and propriety is a real reward. Despite the script’s deficiencies and retreats into convention, the characters feel real. There are no bad guys, no good guys, no fundamental struggle between The Good and The Bad, just decent, flawed people straining to behave well and keep their chins up. It’s a perfect Sunday movie.
*The daughter is actually a clever little piece of casting: check out her adorable nose, and reflect how unlikely it is that a young actress would both A) have Hoffman’s nose and B) be just as cute as a button.

This week’s New Releases: ‘Reno 911- Season 6’ (The worst, and funniest cops in the world are back, and they’ve brought in a couple of ringers, with ‘The State’ alum Joe Lo Truglio and Upright Citizens Brigade’s Ian Roberts joining the cast), Knowing (Nicholas Cage discovers that every one of the creepy predictions in a recently dug-up time capsule have come true; up next…the end of the world?!?! DUM-DUM-DUMMMMM! Is big Nick up to the task of saving us all, or should we have called Will Smith?), Tokyo! (cool, oddball anthology film consists of three takes on life in the titular city from directors Michel Gondry [Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind], Leos Carax [Lovers on the Bridge], and Joon-ho Bong [The Host]; Gondry’s entry, about a young woman finding a lovely, loopy place to fit in in teeming, crowded Tokyo, is adorable…), Push (sort of an X-Men without the copyright issues, this is a sci fi actioner about some appropriately-hot young people with superpowers; costarring the undeniably-cool Djimon Honsou), The Unborn (a young woman gets all possessed and stuff in this horror thriller that got ungodly bad reviews; watch it [maybe] for the completely overqualified cast in supporting roles including Gary Oldman, Jane Alexander, and Stringer Bell himself, ‘The Wire’’s Idris Elba).

New Arrivals at Videoport: Four, count ‘em four new episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 hit the shelves of the Incredibly Strange section! Check out the yuks in The Girl in Lovers Lane, Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy, Zombie Nightmare, and Racket Girls!, Private Parts (this super sleazy black comedy gem from cult director Paul Bartel [Eating Raoul] about a naive young woman staying at perhaps the least AAA approved rooming house ever can be found, unsurprisingly, in the Incredibly Strange section as well), Demon Seed (this creepy sci fi thriller about a possessive super computer that tries to impregnate the lady of the house is classed up by the eternally-lovely Julie Christie; it was also the basis for a ‘Treehouse of Horror’ tale on ‘The Simpsons’ where a Pierce Brosnan-voiced home security system has the hots for Marge), To Be Or Not to Be (Jack Benny and Carole Lombard star in this 40s comedy about a group of actors trying to outwit the Nazis; later remade by Mel Brooks, to middling effect), Shoot the Moon (excellent, long out-of-print divorce drama from director Alan Rudolph stars Albert Finney and Diane Keaton, each at the top of their game, as a fifteen-years married couple whose marriage disintegrates), ‘Man vs. Wild’- season 2 (a dude named Bear eats bugs, buries himself in the snow, rassles snakes…and he doesn’t even have the common decency to do it for cash and prizes; he’s doing it for science…like a big egghead…), Annie (the 1980s movie version of the beloved[?] Broadway show about the spunky orphan, and the bald dude, and whatnot; also starring Albert Finney, who had a really interesting decade in the 80s…), Nursery University (documentary about the utterly bananas phenomenon of psychotically competitive parents trying to enroll their children into the most prestigious nursery schools, while the kids are still trying to decide which of dad’s shoes to pee in today), The Gray Man (Videoport’s April should be happy with our acquisition of this low budget thriller [starring ‘Choose Me’’s Patrick Bachau] about 1930s serial child killer Albert Fish; he is April’s favorite psychopath), The Cool School (documentary about the 1950s-1960s modern art scene in Los Angeles; you can find it in the Documentary Arts section at Videoport, o’course), The Pied Piper of Hutzovina (Videoport’s Sam swears that this documentary about Eugene Hutz, the lead of the bad Golgol Bordello, made by a former girlfriend who’s clearly pissed that they aren’t together anymore, is a fascinating portrait of a stalker as much as it is a study of the musician’s journey to his native Ukraine).

Premise! Jean-Claude van Damme is a bridegroom pushed too far in…
Deaded Bliss
The Best Manhandling
Made of Honor
Martial Bliss
‘Til Death Do Us Part
Notary Pubkick
Timegroom
Nuptial Impact
Vow of Vengeance
Four Weddings and a Kick in the Nuts
Marital Law
Extreme Justice of the Peace
Deading Bells
Even My Wedding Video Goes Direct-to-DVD?
Bridecop
Action Scenes from a Marriage
Wedding Smashers
My Big 0% Body Fat Belgian Wedding
Walloon Wedding
Pride and Extreme Prejudice
Bouquet of Blood
Corpse Bride
The Bride of Kickenstein
Bride of Sucky
Wedded to Failure
Punted Honeymoon
Rules of Engagement
Shoot, Kick, and Punch the Moon
Kramer vs. Kicker
Wife vs. Secretary vs. Kickboxer
The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Kickboxer
Husbands & Knives
How to Murder Your Wife
Shotgun Wedding
Barefoot Combat in the Park
Pachelbel’s Loose Cannon
Something Black & Blue

Videoport vows:
1. We have two payment plans to save you money. $20 gets you $25 in rental credit on your Videoport account, while $30 nets you a cool $40.
2. We can order any movie currently in print on DVD for you. We’ll even give you a free rental with each purchase.
3. We’ll validate your parking at any of the downtown parking garages. Just ask. And the parking lot behind the building is open weeknights and all day on the weekends for free one hour parking.
4. Our employees will assist you with their unparalleled movie knowledge and people skills; they will not wet themselves if you ask them about a foreign language film.
5. We’ll continue to maintain, and expand, the best, damned selection of movies in the world.

Write for the Videoport! Yup, it’s true- you, too, can write movie reviews for your local movie store’s hastily-mimeographed weekly newsletter! Pinch yourself! But seriously, The VideoReport is the, well, weekly newsletter of Videoport, the best movie store in Maine, nay, the world. Just send your movie reviews, movie lists, movie essays, movie poetry, movie recipes, and, obviously, anything even remotely connected to movies to us at denmn@hotmail.com, our Myspace page www.myspace.com/videoportjones or, hey, just drop them off here at the store. You love movies, we love movies, we all clearly love to force our movie opinions on others…howsabout we all chime in together?

Check us out on the intra-nets! (Did you know they have the internet on computers now?…Weird.) Well, Videoport is jumping on this whole computer thing with both feet, so you can read our favorite movie reviews online at our WordPress blog www.videoportjones.wordpress.com. Plus, you can read each week’s VideoReport there, too. Of course, if you’re reading this on paper now, then, well, that’s not too exciting a prospect, but still… (Oh, and since we’re all happy about the information superhighway, don’t forget to check in with former Videoporter Jeremy [he’s also the guy who writes the insightful, hilarious Videoport ad/article in each week’s Portland Phoenix] on his WordPress blog www.butthorn.wordpress.com. This week, he’s posted an essay about his favorite supporting performances that’ll make you laugh until you barf. So look us up on the compootie and bump up our stats; our self-esteem is ridiculously tied up with that sort of thing…

Next week: Videoport’s Andy is in charge! I’m off getting hitched to the lovely Ms. Elsa S. Customer! And you’re not! Later, suckers!

Premise!- We Hate Mel Gibson

A fading action star is arrested for drunk driving and unleashes a bigoted, sexist tirade on the arresting officers. It’s Mel Gibson’s most controversial movie yet:

The Year of Driving Dangerously
M.A.D.D. Max
Gimme Back My Career!!
Bravehitler
What Women Want…Not to Be Called “Sugar Tits”
Mad, Bigoted Max
Lethanol Weapon
Lethanol Weapon 2: Zyklon B
Tequila Sunrise
Booze & Jews: Beyond Thunderdome
Menorah Without a Face
Apocoboozeo (In Mayan with slurred English subtitles)
Mad, Drunk, Antisemitic, Homophobic, Sexist Max
Man Without a Clue
It Wasn’t an Antisemitic Tirade, I Was Just Spectacularly Failing the “Recite the Alphabet Backwards” Test
Conspiracy Theory 2: It’s the Jews’ Fault
Mrs. Sugartits
Mrs. Soeffel and Mr. Scumbag
Career Apocalypto
Air America…Is Gonna Have a Field Day With This
We Were Gentiles
Put Another Jew On the Barbie
Jesus Would Definitely Approve of This
The Jews Stole My Accent
Signs (I Don’t Stop For)
We Were Nazi Soldiers
What Hitler Wants
Air Axis
The Passion of the Drunk A-hole
“See? We’re Not So Bad in Comparison”: The Scientology Story
First My Hairline, Now This?
The Road Rage Warrior
Bird Hung On a Piano Wire
Forever Screwed
Attack Force KKK
Mad Max: Beyond Decency

Premise! (Number 10)

Jason Biggs, Ashton Kutcher, and the Olsen Twins (as the Bush Twins) are sex-crazed congressional pages in:

Are We On the Same Page?
E Pluribus Boobs
The Ongoing Ramifications of the Monroe Doctrine (aka Boobs Ahoy!)
(In)hale to the Chief
(In)hale to the Leaf
Commander-in-Reefer
Diplomatic Immunity…to STDs
All the President’s Weed
Legally Drunk 2: Red, White and Boned
Bush!
Capitol Hills
Wanna Get High and Go See the Mark Russell Show?
Washington D.P.
Washington D.T.s
Blue Dress Diaries
Oh Say Can You See…My Underpants
Don’t Blame Me- I Voted for Tequila
Lincoln Bedroom
Manifest Breastiny
Loose, Pregnant Chads
Freedom Kiss
Mr. Smith Goes Down on Washington
Fill Her, Buster!
Erection Day
Erectoral College
State of the Union Undress
Masturbation Proclamation
Green Party!
Two Party System
Weed the People
President Dude
Meet the Amabassador to Drugachusetts
Senator? I Don’t Even Know Her!
No Penetration Without Representation
177sex
Commander-in Chiba
Grass Roots
Strange Bedfellows

Premise!- It’s Woody Allen’s latest:

The Woodman is back, starring as some sort of creative artist undergoing both professional and personal crises.  Co-starring Sam Waterston, Jennifer Lopez, Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Jessica Biel, Meghan Fox, etc, etc, in:

Indifferently Titled Woody Allen Project
Coasting on Previous Acclaim
Superfly 2
The Beloved Artist and His Lying, Tight-assed Former Live-In Girlfriend
A Midsummer Night’s Distasteful, May-December Sex Comedy
Verbatim Analyst’s Notes
Sleeper 2: Sleepier
What the Hell Went Wrong?
Whatever
Slow, Steady Decline
Your Mother Will Love This
Oww…My Glasses
That Darn Jew
Another, Younger Woman
These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty
$2.5 Million Box Office
Sex Crimes and Misdemeanors
The Old Man and the ‘C-minus’ in Entertainment Weekly
I Love a Homogeneously White New York
Farting Around With My Actor Friends
Peaked in the Seventies
Save the Last Knish
Bloodsport V
Playing Out the String
Forced Smiles of the Faithful
I Forgot the Camera Was On
The Romantic Misadventures of Schmucky Putzman
The Seventh Schlemiel
It’s Like That Old Groucho Marx Joke…aww, forget it
Thank God I’m Beloved
Flailing Wildly At This Point
Take the Money and Run
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About My Sex Life*  But Mia’s a Liar
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Schtick*  But Were Afraid to Ask
Crimes and Misanthropy
Font Memories
Hannah and Her Shiksas
The Purple Prose of Cairo
Everyone Says I Love You, Except That Lying Bitch Mia
Manhattan Family Court Mystery
What’s Up Tiger Shiksa?
Husbands and Lies